Into the woods we went.

NO GENDER! That's right, we are having a garden snail and it doesn't have a gender.

Ok, really the baby just didn't spread its fat legs so we couldn't see anything. Just an incredibly active baby who was moving every other part of its body! I had a strong feeling leading up to it that we wouldn't find out, so I wasn't really disappointed. I'm definitely starting to want to know though, especially because I've been (finally) starting my baby registry because I'm about to have a baby shower at work. That definitely made me realize I'm having a baby! And it made me realize how few gender neutral things there are.

So instead of a cute gender announcement, you get some pictures from about two weeks ago (I was exactly 20 weeks). After seeing a million pictures of the fall leaves on Facebook from my bike riding friends, Vince and I decided to go walk in the woods instead. It was beautiful! Roxi also had a blast chasing squirrels and got one trapped in a downed tree. It was squealing and squealing while Roxi barked at it - I felt so bad for it.

Someone had a fire going as they were chopping wood. 

^ Vince can't seem to take a focused picture of me, ever. I asked him to take a few pictures of my belly tonight on my phone and 3/3 were blurry. 

^ But this blurriness was my fault. I was trying to focus on my belly, didn't get it at first shot, and was too cold to get another since we were leaving.

^ Can you see Roxanne in this picture?

 

^ Driving with the windows down and the heater on.
After walking around we went and hungout with a friend who works at the nature conservatory. The conservatory is a bunch of cabins far from anything at the base of the mountain with a large expanse of open prairies and trees. The sun was setting as we drove out there and it was just stunning and everything was engulfed in bright red. No photo editing here!

^ Seriously, REAL LIFE!

 

Happenings

First off: I know I wrote a dramatic post about destroying my thyroid with radiation, but Vince and I have nixed that idea. After further research, we decided we're not comfortable with it and it can take years to balance out thyroid levels after, which means years before a baby! No thanks. A lot of people also don't ever feel 'normal' again after RAI, and I'm usually one of those people with the weird symptoms, so I'd rather not risk it. I'm not sure what's going on baby-wise, but we know we're not doing RAI so a healthy baby will come sooner rather than later. Thanks to everyone for your kind comments and emails! Much appreciated. ♥

Now that that's out of the way, here are some happenings lately.

|| I've made so many fancy quesadillas recently it's been wonderful.

I use a teensy amount of cheese (I don't actually like cheese since the last time I had the flu) to hold everything together and a bunch of veggies. One of my favorites has red onion, spinach, green onion, green chilies (we usually get a case of them from the farmers market when they do their yearly chili roast and freeze them) and mushrooms on corn tortillas. SO GOOD.

|| Speaking of green onions, I'm now growing some in my window!

They're only like 75 cents a bunch, but we use them so often (over 1 bunch a week) that it's nice to always have them around. Here's how I did it: buy a bunch from the store(I started with organic...might as well!), and use all of it except the bottom inch or two(the white parts). Put those bottoms in some water, with the water coming halfway up the bottom. Let sit for a week or so until roots start to form. Change the water on the 3rd day or so if it gets cloudy. Once roots have started, plant it in some soil. It grows about a foot a week! It's nuts. Just use scissors to cut off what you need. I potted mine in a cute little pencil holder that the wonderful Sara sent me. I poked holes in the bottom with a hammer and nails and use a teacup lid to catch the water. They grow best next to a plastic horse and lizard, fyi.

|| My husband was the cutest baby. I'm now convince we'll have the cutest kids ever.

|| Fall is here, and with it, Halloween decorations. I didn't want to mess with the fake webs and whatnot, but I got a few things from the dollar store and thrift store!

|| Oh, these pants happened. Aren't they lovely?

|| The last little harvest of the season from the garden.

Some of the mint I made into a tincture and the rest I dried for mint tea throughout the winter.

|| I saw one of my top five favorite bands ever, Rise Against.

And dear god, how I cried. For the past few years, whenever I listen to them I always think, "I'd kill to see them live!" Then for the past few months, while I've been waiting for the show itself, I'd still think that then catch myself and say OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO SEE THEM LIVE AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL ANYONE! It was amazing you guys, just amazing. Oh and they're on tour for the Florence Project. Go check it out, they're doing some great stuff!

What if I can't have a baby?

When I was a little girl, I used to love boy things. I would lay on the living room floor with my younger brother and random cousins that happened to be in town and we would play with matchbox cars. We'd make tracks out of paper, trade the sweet 'fast' cars back and forth, and try our damnedest to not get the crappy slow dump truck or crane.

One day, when I was 8 or 9, a switch flipped and I was in love with barbies. Like, obsessed. I know, 8 is a little old to start getting into barbies, right? But I loved them and loved doing their hair and playing in the tiny blow up pool for them. Barbies of course transitioned into baby dolls.

My grandma (who I was mainly living with in my baby doll phase) had the old Cabbage Patch Kids and we had a bald boy and a girl with red hair. I always loved the little boy and he was always my baby. I carried him around for a while, feeding him, burping him, ya know, regular baby stuff, until one day I was over it. I had moved on to the trampoline, coloring, and swimming at the ditch pool.

In church, a year or so later, one of the primary teachers was talking to us about kids. (The Mormons instill motherhood at an early age! Ha.) She was saying how one day we would all become mothers and fathers and that it was God's plan, etc, etc. The teacher asked us each a question, though I don't remember what it was, I just remember my answer: 'I don't think I can have kids.' The teacher asked me why I would say that, but I truly didn't have an answer, so I said, 'Because...' and moved on.

As I grew older and the idea of kids came up more and more in life I remembered what I said in church, and I still felt like that, like I don't think I could have kids. Not have kids in a parenting kind of way, but have kids in a physical way, like my body wouldn't be able to produce a kid. What kind of kid thinks they won't be able to have one?

I've talked many times about having kids and how I want them so so bad in the future, but there's still something inside me telling me that I can't have kids. It's a scary thought because almost everything I do in life is so that I can prepare myself to have kids. (Even though I'm not mormon anymore, it's a Mormon trait that's still deeply instilled in me!) I want to carry a little baby in my belly and feel it kick and move. I want to give birth to that little baby and feel it on my chest and feed it. That's what I want in life. But will I really be able to get it?

Vince and I have talked about what we would do if I couldn't have a kid or if he couldn't have one and even though we have the option to adopt, it terrifies me that I wouldn't be able to have one of my own. I feel like going and getting my eggs tested or something just to ease my mind!

Obviously I won't, and I'll just wait until the day when my husband and I are ready, but it's still a thought that goes through my head pretty frequently. I'm just hoping that it's me being paranoid because I want one so bad!

I've wanted to write this post for so long but it just seems too vulnerable in a way, so I haven't. BUT, now that I have a reason to for Pour Your Heart Out, I decided to link up! Lame excuse, but good enough for me to be fine writing about it! Haha.