Hello from the other side.

Mic check, one two, one two...anyone out there? Can you hear me?

Well. This is embarrassing. It's been quite the journey since I last updated the bloggity blog, so here's a little one. Sorry for the picture reposts from Instagram, I'll try to be a little more original next time. Maybe I'll start posting more often since I actually have a life now that doesn't revolve around school.

As an update from my last post, I got a nursing job! As I suspected, it wasn't in the ICU as I desired, but on a medical-surgical floor. Honestly, it has been great and has far exceeded my expectations. I've already been able to shock a patient, push some scary cardiac drugs, and grow leaps and bounds as a nurse in a very short time. I have SO much to learn, but my experience has been wonderful so far. Also, I'm realizing that the part of this job I thought I was going to hate the most - small talk with families and patients - is actually one of my favorite parts. Some days it's hard being an introvert, but it's so nice to help their day be a little better and there are many ways to educate and share my knowledge, which is the best. I'm a teacher at heart, so it's perfect!

I still have two weeks of my new grad nurse residency program before I'm on my own as a nurse (!!! a real! live! nurse!), and will be switching to nights this weekend. I had two weeks of general orientation to the hospital, then a grueling, oh so grueling, five week class that was harder than all of nursing school combined as well as one 12 hour shift each week on my unit. It was a lot of education over a short amount of time and I was not expecting the class to be that hard or for there to be so much homework involved, so I'm glad it's done. I learned a lot and I'm so grateful to have done it, but holy shit. I am done done done with school for now. Then I had a month or so of working days with a preceptor, which I finished this week. Then end is near!

During that hard five week stretch, Devin got almost all her teeth and I started hating her jusssssst a little. She got six or seven (?) teeth during that time and she was just a beast throughout. She missed me, I missed her, she just wanted to nurse 24/7, and I'm a mean mom who wouldn't give her medicine even though everyone told me to constantly. But! We survived! And she just has a few teeth left to go. I am very glad that I'm still nursing her because I have no idea how we would have survived without it. What do other moms do?!

Another harrowing situation we just survived was hand, foot and mouth disease! I thought she had gotten a yeast rash or something, but then it moved from her thighs to all over and she didn't even have a rash in the diaper area. There were two nights that were easily the worst nights she's/we've ever had and I ended up having to sleep in her room so that Vince could have her in our room because I had to work the next morning. I woke up often to her screaming, because she didn't sleep either night. But again, we survived! Some of the blisters are peeling off still and her feet are gross, but she's back to being a happy clam and up to her old wildchild antics like climbing on tables and sneaking into the chicken coop.

Vince has been working one day a week and staying home with Devin, which I think has made all of this transition better. He's still trying to figure out what he wants to do when he "grows up", but for now we're all in a good place. I'm finally done with homework and all the extra stuff that goes along with learning, and we're all so ready to just relax and enjoy life. We've been able to do a lot of little activities we've always wanted to do like taking picnics, going to the park, going swimming, etc. Somehow all those things went to the wayside and we were only able to focus on surviving so it's nice to actually live now. I've worked so hard for the last five years to get to this point and I'm relieved to finally say, "I'm a nurse!"

Today I am...

A blog? What's that?

Ok, but really. My track record for posting this year has been terrible. And the hardest part about getting back into blogging is feeling like I have to do an update on everything, which is just too much effort for me. So instead I'm going to act like I've been blogging three days a week for years and you know all the important details. I figure if I just start again, all the important things will come out eventually!

To ease into, I'm stealing a fill in the blank from Sara via Grace and showing you a picture of my 14 month old daughter who is not longer a baby but a walking talking human being.

Today I am…

Celebrating my first week of my new 24 hour a week position! It's still the same job I've had for almost three years now, but I'm actually budgeted hours instead of relief. I'll only be doing it for a couple months in the hopes of starting a nursing job in July, but it's awesome because Vince will have insurance and he gets to work less to stay home with Devin.

Reading Yes Please. And my gosh, it's so great! I just finished The Martian, which was just absolutely fantastic, and then read Binge after that, and it was also good. I've been on a reading kick am loving it.

Wishing I knew if I had a nursing job. The applying/hiring process can be soooooo long and drawn out!

Feeling like I'm never going back to school ever, ever. I have always said I'd get a Masters and now I'm like "If I have to do one more discussion post or format a reference in APA ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE." I'm sure that will change, but for now I'm so over it.

Wanderlusting over owning our own house with our own garden and our own farm animals. (Vince is content with chickens and only chickens, but we'll see.)

Eating an apple and raw milk.

Watching Nurse Jackie and Parenthood. Well I just finished Nurse Jackie and both Vince and I are like WHAT?! That's it?! And we just hate Jackie. But I love love love LOVE Zoe so much and wish she had a spinoff. I had started Parenthood and only got a few episodes in but have started it again at the recommendation of a friend and I just love it.

Anticipating dare I mention school one more time? You guysssss, I just can't wait to have free time and not worry about the homework I have to do.

Deciding nothing. I am not at a point in my life where I should be making decisions.

Sewing (Sara, look away, look away!) little baby carriers for Sara's kiddos....for Christmas. Oh my gosh I am the worst friend ever. I have had one done since before Christmas, and the other halfway done. Awful, I tell you, awful! But they are going to look so darn cute wearing their baby dolls/stuffed animals.

7QT

I should just never say I'm going to post something soon, because I inevitably will jinx myself and that won't happen. Too much has happened over the past many months to catch up on, so I'll do a 7 Quick Takes post a la this blog and move on. I post daily on the 'gram, so head over there if you really want to keep up to date with me! (Or my baby, I know that's why you're all here.)

1) Devin is no longer a baby. She is a crawling, standing, clapping, eating, vocalizing little chunk of joy that is so insanely opinionated already, at almost 9 months old. That comes from the Powell side of my family, so it's a good thing her middle name is Powell.

2) I am in my second to last semester of school, and senioritis is reallllll. So. So. Real. This also happens to be the busiest semester of the program, so if you combine that with having a baby, being the Student Nurses' Association president, and moving, things are cray cray.

3) Speaking of moving, WE HAVE MOVED. Into a house 5 times the size of our itty bitty apartment.  To say we are happy about it is an understatement! Devin has room to move, she has toys to play with now, Roxi has a yard, I have space to exercise in, and we have a giant garden. The house has already been more upkeep than I'm used to, but it's been good and we are less stressed. Oh, and the most exciting thing I almost forgot to mention - we have a washing machine and dryer! No more hand washing cloth diapers. I have no idea how I did it for so long.

(Don't worry, we have a gate up to block of the fireplace now!)
4) Related to the house - my grandparent's have gone on a mission to Mexico City for 18 months, and we are renting it from them. So while I am so excited about the house, it is also very bittersweet because we already miss them. They watched Devin on Monday's while I was in class, and she so loved being here with them! It will be sad that they'll miss so many fun times, but 18 months will go by pretty quickly and we have Skype.

5) I really feel like nothing else interesting is going on. Hmm. I took some fall pictures of Devin, and she is just the cutest ever.

6) I am still not able to eat dairy or eggs (and gluten, which neither of us can have) because of Devin's reaction through my breastmilk, but I've been able to add in almost everything else that I love! I have to restrict the amount of tomatoes, but overall she is handling things well. She likes to eat everything in the world as well. Update: I have been able to add small amounts of dairy back in! Hello, chai tea.

7) Reallllly struggling to think of a number 7. I have really been enjoying eating Justin's Chocolate Hazelnut Butter, I just got these leggings from Old Navy (in size tall!) and they are awesome, I won these pants and these pants in a Prana giveaway and love them (also in size tall!), wool diaper covers have been our new favorites, and this ketchup recipe made with our garden tomatoes was delicious!

Pumping for school or work soon after birth.

Due to having Devin mid semester, I was only able to take two weeks off of school before I had to go back. Some people say it's terrible timing, but it actually wasn't as bad as I expected. She slept a lot (though she did nurse every hour around the clock for the first few months!) and I was able to nap with her, I was out of the house for 24 hours of the week so it wasn't full-time, I could come home at times during lunch to nurse her, and I was also able to have the entire summer off during her extremely fun months! 

 

One thing that did cause me stress in the beginning was pumping. It wasn't that pumping was hard or difficult, I was just so worried about nipple confusion or her not wanting to nurse, thus ending our breastfeeding relationship. Aside from her being placed on my chest immediately after birth, breastfeeding was the thing I was most looking forward to and I didn't want to mess with it! Luckily, I had nothing to worry about as we had no problem and she still loves to nurse constantly, and will hopefully continue into toddlerhood.

 

When I was scouring the internet for advice on pumping really early, I found nothing. 'Early' to most people meant going back to work at 6 or 8 weeks. The advice would be to start pumping 4 weeks before going back to work, and to start bottle feeding two weeks before going back to get the baby used to a bottle. That would have meant I should have started pumping two week before I delivered, and started bottle feeding the day she was born! Obviously, that would be impossible and not ideal. 

 

So here is a rough outline of what I did, in case you are one of the lucky few who has to go to school/work after a very short period of time and you want to continue breastfeeding.

 

Nurse on demand. Devin, like most babies, nursed for nutrition as well as comfort. For the first two weeks, we basically sat on a recliner with her attached to my boob about 90% of the day. She would nurse, and then taper off to little suckles while she slept. This signaled to my body to make more milk, and helped increase my supply. While at the hospital she would nurse for hours straight and all through the night, and even though it was really uncomfortable at times in the beginning, I just let her do her thing. 

 

Do NOT use a pacifier. As I said, Devin liked to comfort nurse. Many moms choose to put a pacifier in for this, but I was adamant about no paci. One) it took away her ability to tell my body to make more milk, and two) it would likely mean that I would set her down to do something else, decreasing our physical contact, and decreasing my milk supply. We started her on a paci around 6 weeks because the comfort nursing was making her acid reflux worse by never allowing her food to digest, but we made sure breastfeeding was well established, I had a pumping routine in place, and I had a solid amount of milk.

 

Start pumping once your milk is in. My milk came in very quickly - while I was still in the hospital - and continued to increase in amount. Around day 7, once my milk was 'completely' in (it would continue to increase over the next many weeks, but it was changing from colostrum to regular milk), I started pumping a few times a day after Devin finished nursing. I was nervous at first, thinking I was 'stealing' the milk from her next feed, but really it just helped increase my milk supply after a couple days. I would get about a half ounce to start with, and it quickly increased to 1-2 ounces per pumping. I was trying to stock up enough milk for at least the first two days of school, in case I didn't end up pumping enough while I was away for a total of 16 hours. I was following the 'baby eats one ounce per hour' rule, so 16 ounces was my goal. I froze the milk in 1 ounce portions, since I assumed she would stick with her eating every hour routine even though I wasn't there. 

 

Introduce a bottle. Three days before I was supposed to go to school, I had Vince try to give her a bottle. I heard good things about breastfeeding mothers using the Dr. Brown's bottles with a preemie sized nipple, so the baby still had to work hard to get the milk out. She kept refusing it with Vince and he was stressed out about it (he also got little amounts of sleep that first week!) so I ended up trying to feed her. I was still so distraught about how it could effect our breastfeeding relationship, so once she got a hang of the bottle and started eating, I cried! And then sobbed! It was awful to be the one feeding her from a bottle. Vince realized how upset I was and took over from there. I had him feed her one time for those three days while I pumped so they could both get used to it, and then I would nurse her immediately after as well so she wouldn't 'forget' how to nurse. I could definitely feel a difference in her latch, but after a minute or so she would correct herself and remember.  

 

Relax. When I went back to school, I was able to pump more than enough for her. I was lucky enough to have Vince or my grandparents be home with Devin, so I was confident she was in good hands getting the love and attention she needed. Had I been stressed out about her situation, I'm sure it would have had an impact on my milk supply. She didn't have any issues with nipple confusion, and she would nurse even more when I was home because she missed the physical contact. We bed-share, which I think also has a huge part in our success because she had full access to my boobs, and I could get enough rest while still feeding her constantly. Every situation is different, though, so you'll have to see what works for you!

 

My next post will be pumping tips, so be sure to look for that.  

Little Life Update

I've been starting to get a little too post happy on Instagram and Facebook, so I need to direct some energy to this blog so people don't start freaking out on me.

// Vince has torn some ligaments in his ankle and was ordered to be on complete bed rest for 5 days, then slowly become more weight bearing over the next six weeks with crutches. I've been tending to his every need, being sure to throw in a, 'Yes, your prince,' or 'Yes, my king,' when he's being a little extra demanding. (I don't like my coffee ground like that, can you do it a little finer? This meal definitely needs a little more salt. My toes are cold, can you put the blanket over it a little better?) All in all he's very appreciative of everything and is trying to be more mobile with his crutches and help out, but then I just yell at him to go lay back down because something will get dropped or spilled and I'll have to pick it up anyways. BUT, it's the thought that counts so it is nice that he is trying. Plus, he took care of me in way worse condition for many months so I can't really complain. (He wanted me to point out that I am neglecting rubbing arnica cream on his ankle in order to write this, so I'm doing a terrible job.)

It has honestly been a little blessing in disguise though because I get to spend SO MUCH TIME with my husband before school starts in a week. He was supposed to go on a ski trip to Colorado for six days (!!!) which was making me anxious, but I of course wasn't going to tell him he couldn't go because our big trip to Jackson Hole for skiing was canceled, the snow has been terrible here, and he's only been able to ski three days this year. Needless to say, I am sad he is so upset about missing his skiing, but way happy he was here! Before school started last week we were snuggling on the couch and I had the realization that it was one of the last 'real' times to spend together because then my time would be filled with nursing school and clinicals and his would be filled with work, and then very very soon a new baby! Luckily school has been slow to start, he's still not allowed to work, and we've been able to have plenty of time together. Maybe too much time.

32w5d
It's also been helpful at kicking my butt into gear. The nesting has fully kicked in and the dishes have been done after every use, our house has been very clean, fresh meals have been made multiple times a day, and I got prepared for the school year with freezer meals, meal planning, and snack lists. Everything seems to be situated for the baby (at some point I'll talk about how things are set up because we're staying in our <400 and="" any="" are="" basically="" bedroom="" carseat="" debut.="" even="" foot="" for="" her="" house="" installed="" is="" make="" one="" p="" ready="" she="" square="" the="" time="" to="" wants="" we="">

He starts physical therapy on the 30th so we'll hopefully know more about when he can start walking and what the estimated healing time will be. It would have been easier if he just fractured his ankle, it heals so much faster!

// On that note, it finally snowed about a foot here! I didn't let it deter me from my daily walk even when it was below freezing and snowing. It melted within a couple days, though, and it's back to being sunny. Today was incredibly cold though, but sadly no snow in the forecast.

And this is from our walk the day before in the woods when it was warm enough to take off my jacket and sweater.

// So much food has been eaten and I am now 166 pounds. I've never been over 150 pounds (I don't think I've ever even been 150 pounds) so it is really strange to think, 'I'm almost 170 pounds!' My arms and legs are still way skinny from the 30 pounds I lost at the beginning of my pregnancy so it's weird to look at myself and wonder where all the weight is. This puts me at 19 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, so I'm hoping my doctor will be a little more happy with me at my next appointment now that I'm getting closer to my 'goal' weight gain. It has surprisingly taken a lot of effort to eat so much, and if I skip even one meal of the day from sleeping in or being lazy, I can see a difference on the scale the next day, so it's been like a full-time job to eat healthy, filling meals! I realize I may sound like an asshole complaining about how hard it is to gain weight, but it really is stressful in it's own way, so no judgy judgy.

// Roxi has continued to be all sorts of cute and needy and knowing something is up. Her world is going to come crashing down when the baby girl arrives!

// Christmas was spent in Utah with family, and it was so great! We stopped in Vegas for a night on our way up there and ate In-N-Out (multiple double-doubles protein style and chocolate shakes) and PF Chang's, which was amazing as always, and took a short walk around. We pulled into town at sunset and it was beautiful!

30w3d
Then we were in condos with family for the next four days! There was close to 40 of us split between four condos, with the condo I was staying in being the 'main hub' for people to hangout at through the day, eat, etc. It was so great to be able to hangout with so many aunts, uncles, and cousins, even if over half of us had a cold of some sort.

From the drive home.

// Going back to school - I started last week! My plan is to just keep going until I have her, take about two weeks off classes, then keep going! I'm not allowed to miss many clinical days and have to make them up anyways, so I really don't have any choice but to continue because I don't want to take a semester off. Luckily I'll be able to pump at clinicals and even have the option to have Vince bring the baby to me to feed! Our plan is for him to do that once per clinical day so we can see each other, and then he'll just give her a bottle of pumped milk the rest of the time. One clinical is a ten hour day, the other is an 8 hour day, and class is four hours a week with a simulation lab being four hours every few weeks, so it's not really that much time away when you compare it to moms that work full-time, but it'll still be difficult! Fortunately we won't have to do daycare either because Vince will be with her both of my clinical days, and my grandparents will be with her on my class/lab day. That will definitely make it easier knowing she'll be with people who love her and will take amazing care of her! Spring break is also the middle of March so we'll just have to survive a couple weeks at most to make it to a little break.

31 weeks and all fancy for family pictures

// Other than starting school and Vince being injured, there hasn't been much happening! I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow (update coming!) so baths are a daily routine to prevent my back from tightening especially with 8 and 10 hour clinical days coming up, Hypnobabies sessions happen most days to prepare me for a natural birth, plenty of coconut oil has been rubbed on the belly, calming essential oils have been diffused, homework is being turned in early...relaxing in its own way!

34w4d

26 weeks

26w1d - the lazy shot. And no stretch marks yet, luckily! Just the indentation from my shirt.

25w2d

Weight: 152 pounds (-30 total/+ 6)

Sleep: Has drastically changed this past week. I am definitely up about every hour, whether it's to change positions or go pee. I was able to do a partially on my belly, partially on my side sleep for a while that was great because I'm normally a stomach sleeper, but that's now gone. So the side it is. That leads to things like major neck aches and my arm falling asleep! And I feel like I use my other hand to support myself somehow so my wrists get really sore. I was never told about this part of pregnancy. ;) I sleep with a body pillow on both sides which is way helpful, and I'm thinking it's time to add a second one under my head!

Cravings: Hard boiled egg sandwiches are still all the rage (rave?) and healthy foods in general like salads. 

I've been thinking a lot about BBQ chips as well, but haven't eaten them. I bought some the other day and thought I'd bought them before so assumed they were gluten free. I sat on the couch to eat one and as I was bringing a chip to my mouth, I realized I hadn't checked the bag yet. So I read the ingredients quickly and look at the little area that says 'Contains:' and it didn't say anything about wheat. So I put the chip to my lips and thought, 'Hmm, I should probably read the ingredients one more time, just to be safe.' Sure enough, there was malted barley syrup which is not gluten free! I was so bummed, but so happy I caught it before I ate it or I would have been one sorry pregnant lady. (But at least I would have pooped!)

Movement: Never ending it seems, which I love! Even though it is really uncomfortable at times, especially after I've had a big meal, it's quite an amazing feeling. There have been some really big movements happening so it's been fun to watch it beneath my skin. She'll sometime do multiple punches like a punching bag, so my stomach will just look like it's seizing or something. 

Wedding Ring On or Off: Still off.

Best Moment of the Week: Having my nursing clinicals for school end for the semester. They'll be quite rough next semester since we have two days instead of one and I'll be way bigger, but I'm happy for the break.

My clinical carpool ladies!

Looking Forward To: Taking our baby moon in a few weeks! We'll be heading up to Jackson Hole so Vince can ski and I can cozy up in a luxury hotel, then visiting a friend who is a few weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy (our belly's are going to be so cute together), then heading to a condo in southern Utah for a family reunion of sorts for Christmas. 

Incredibly flattering, I know. ;) This was after a simlab day for school, and this is what I wear under my scrubs! My 'slimmer' belly band, compression socks, and a long sleeve shirt. Vince kept telling me I looked huge and wanted a picture. 25w5d

What I Miss: Getting out of bed normally. I feel like a bug stuck on it's back sometimes because I have to put my arms and legs in the air for momentum to make it over my body pillow and sit up!

Milestones: Not fitting in my bras, except a nursing bra I bought. I've been wearing sports bras for a bit but they were getting too snug so I reached for a 'real' bra. It was quite hilarious when I put it on because my boobs literally squished out the top, bottom and sides and I couldn't breath. While not a milestones for already big chested ladies, it's a little fun for me not to be an A-cup any more! Except now I am down to one comfortable bra...

(Read about week 14 weeks and 25 weeks.)

Emotions with nursing. There are just so many.

I've written before about my fears surrounding death within my role as a nurse, and now I'm dealing with something that may be harder: emotional people! It seems so silly.

A brief explanation of how the nursing program works: we have classes in person, online classes, and clinicals. Clinicals are the days we go to a facility (hospital, nursing home, etc) to do hands on nursing. At the beginning of each semester we are taught various skills in a lab, and clinical is our chance to 'practice' on real people. This semester our clinicals have been at a long term care facility, which is basically a nursing home, but the area that we are in mostly has older people there for rehab after some type of surgery.

I've done clinicals for my Certified Nursing Assistant class at a different nursing home here in town, and there is such a difference between those clinicals and the nursing programs. I am now in a nursing student position instead of CNA, so I do more meds, injections, and wound care as opposed to the CNA, who takes care of things like brief changes, feeding, bed changes, etc.

So for most of this semester I've been performing a lot of the nursing duties, which doesn't give a lot of time for patient interaction. We interact when we give them meds, check glucose levels, and administer insulin, but it's for such a short time because there are 20+ other people to give meds to within a certain time frame. A couple weeks ago the state inspectors were at the facility so everyone was on high alert, and the nurses were hesitant to let us students do anything. That led me to doing a lot of CNA work, which also meant a lot more time could be spent with the residents. I fed people, got them up to use the restroom, and changed a lot of briefs (A LOT).

Despite doing the 'dirty work', I loved it because I was able to interact more with the residents. This was also extremely saddening. A partner and I were changing a ladies brief and she was completely unable to talk or move herself and was just wanting to hold my hand. I crouched down next to her bed and held her hand and she instantly made eye contact and wouldn't look away. It was one of those moments where I felt like I could see into her soul and I felt so much fear and confusion coming from her. There wasn't much I could do in that situation except assure her that we were just cleaning her up and we'd be done soon, but of course didn't feel like that was enough. It's such a hard thing to look at someone who is scared or hurting and know there is nothing you can do to get rid of it.

Recently I was assisting with a resident who had been in WWII, and in the middle of our conversation about something unrelated, he casually mentioned that he had killed 87 people, and said, "I bet you didn't think this morning that you would be taking care of a murderer," and my heart just broke in two. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a war and to kill someone else to save yourself and your countrymen, and all at once I just felt all the sadness, guilt, and pain that this resident has been living with for most of his life. All I said, in a tone of understanding, was, 'You had to do what you had to do," and gave a weak smile. Obviously that probably didn't do anything to help him, but again, there isn't anything I could have said to make him feel better.

The hard thing about treating patient's like this is that I am so sensitive to how people are feeling. I am a cancer sign through and through and a complete people pleaser who loves to help in any way possible, so it's really hard to not be able to help. I totally get it now when nurses say they take their work home or when a nurse gets burned out so quickly - it's hard to get rid of an emotion.

So that is one really important thing I'm learning about nursing, how to deal with my patients emotions as well as my own, and to find a way to separate the two to a certain extent. I know my ability to cope with it will evolve over nursing school and into my career, but I wish there was a quick fix. SO MANY EMOTIONS!

I haven't learned a thing!

At the end of every semester in college, I have felt like I didn't learn anything. Like I was so crazy busy during the semester just trying to get an A that everything left my brain after taking the test. Now that I am further into college I still feel that way at the end of every semester, but there is the realization that I did learn something in previous semesters.

This afternoon I was reading a chapter in a textbook and in just one simple paragraph, it went over a months worth of learning in Anatomy & Physiology I. In eight short sentence it summarized all the hard work I put into a topic that I remember being so extremely difficult and studying so hard for it only to feel like I still didn't understand it. But as I read the paragraph I realized I knew everything I was reading and could even expand on it by a whole lot. I actually remembered something! It seems silly that something so small could give me such encouragement to keep trudging on towards the end of this semester, but it really does. I often feel like I'm lucky getting the grades I receive and that it's just a fluke, but this helps me realize that the hard work I'm putting in now really does help me in the future, which will include more than just good grades - it'll be real live humans! That's not a scary thought at all.

Brain fart: my life is actually busy.

So apparently towards the end of Spring Break I had a brain fart and wrote this post about how I have so much free time and am bored. Turns out it was just during spring break, despite working almost 60 hours that week, and my life in reality is actually crazy busy.

A couple of days after I wrote the post, Vince read it, laughed, and said, 'Ha, that's funny. I don't think you really have free time.' So then it made me wonder if I was just hiding it from him? Making it seem like I have more work then I really have? Over-exaggerating things so he'd feel bad for me?

After a quick peek at my handy-dandy planner, I realized I was waaaaaaaay underestimating how much I do every week. Turns out it felt like I was always watching TV or was on the computer when I was home because I was rarely home! Just looking back through my planner makes me question my sanity and I wonder how I'm still standing at the end of the week because most weeks I had some place I needed to be on 6 or 7 days. I am not writing this for a 'good job' or 'you are awesome' because there are SO many people who do far more and far harder things than I, but maybe just a reminder to myself that I'm not a total slacker and that I am actually doing things.

This week came upon me like a shit storm and I've been stressing out a little about it since I just have so much going on, and am nursing either a cold or really bad allergies. This morning while driving to babysit I thought, 'Hmm, I think I feel this way at the beginning of every week, and by mid-week I just don't care and accept that I have things to do.' And lo and behold, this morning I really didn't care about everything going on and was like, 'Whatever! I'm doing this.'

An example of my week that we're in the midst of, which honestly reflects most weeks of my life:
Sunday: work 7 hours at Taylor House (after working a 24 hours shift the day before), apply for a fourth job because life isn't crazy enough but I want the experience, write a scholarship essay, hangout with my family

Monday: Do an online collaborate session for class, clean the house (while still avoiding laundry that hasn't been done in way too many weeks), go grocery shopping, do some food prep for the week, do some reading for class, revise essay

Tuesday: do some reading, attend open lab for a couple hours, go to class for three hours, go to the nursing home to get patient information, eat dinner, read for a pharmacology quiz, take said quiz, do a pharmacology case study, type up patient information and look up all their drugs (thankfully only 8), read some more, wash scrubs, socks, underwear, and sports bra in the sink because none are clean, make dinner and prep meals for the next day, finish hand sewing my nurse purse

Wednesday: wake up at 6:30 for clinicals, take temperature to make sure I'm not contagious if I am sick, sadly accept that I am not contagious, go to cliniclas/simlab for 6 hours, head straight to lab for 3 hours, feel like I'm dying since I wasn't able to eat all day and realize my lunch has been out of the fridge for 6 hours and is now inedible (we did have a lunch break at 10:30 but after my first bite I didn't feel well so didn't eat my zoodles and amazing meatballs), head straight to babysitting for a couple hours and get there by riding my bike 2 miles in the sleet/snow/rain/WINDDDD-so-strong-I-almost-fell-off-my-bike without a hat/helmet/gloves/jacket, only wearing my Patagonia sweater because I forgot everything at home, eat emergency BLT's as soon as I get home because STARVING, then make something more substantial so I have leftovers for the next day

Thursday: wake up at 6 and drive an hour to Sedona to babysit for 10 hours, drive home, go to the store for the best grain free pizza crust because dinner is not being made tonight, also make emergency brownies and eat half the batter raw, from my fingers, with my pants unbuttoned

Friday: take a test for pathology, write a clinical journal, fill out patient information for SimChart, read, babysit for 6 hours, babysit for another 4 hours

Saturday: read, do breathing patterns case study, work for 4 hours (seems like such a short shift!), and prepare to start a whole other week

Within all of these places I have to be, I also cook 99% of the food we eat (with Vince's help! he's not a total dud of a husband) that is almost always real, whole foods that is mostly paleo, read books for leisure, work out, do yoga, paint my nails (clear, because we can't wear colors and it's such a waste of time but whatever), cuddle with my dog, 'decorate' my house, hangout with friends, spend time with my husband, have a decently clean bathroom, and get 7-9 hours of sleep.

Every time I talk to my grandpa he asks, 'So how long can you keep this up for?' and I always laugh, but then get nervous in the back of my mind. I feel sane and I don't feel completely stressed out, but I am definitely looking forward to graduating in a couple years. Then when I'm a nurse I'll only work three days a week and I'll have to take up a million hobbies to fill my time with. Or have a million babies. Either way.

Also, if it seems like I'm complaining, it's my blog so shut up. Also, here are some random instagram pictures since I haven't been posting any on my blog recently. Actually, never mind I'm too lazy to download them so you can just go look at them on my instagram @iffyinklings.

Limiting Electronics

This semester I have had a lot of down time. In previous semesters I have always worked a ton, was in class 4-5 days a week, and overcommitted myself. Honestly, a hectic and crazy life is when I thrive the most! This semester, because it was the start of the big scary nursing program, I cut waaaaaay back. I'm still somehow finding myself working between 20-30 (and sometime 50+ and sometimes 0) hours a week between my regular job and all the families I nanny for, but it's work I enjoy so it doesn't seem like work. (Barf. Anyways.) On top of that, I only have classes two days a week, one four hour day and one ten hour day. I also have been purposefully not committing to a lot of things, trying to keep my stress level down. And honestly, my stress level HAS been way down! But I also find myself getting bored.

Between being prescribed a way too high dose of hyperthyroid meds that sent me into being hypothyroid and thus EXHAUSTED all the time, and not actually needing to do anything at a specific time, the past few weeks (dare I say months?) I have been getting sucked into the internet and Netflix. And once I fall down that dark whole it's sooooo hard to crawl out of it!

Structure is extremely important for me to be functional, as is having a purpose. So to have five days free every week (theoretically) makes me feel like I have no purpose. Of course I could be studying, but honestly how much studying can one do? And it is so easy to get caught in the trap of, 'Oh, I'll just study later, after this. Actually, it can just wait until tomorrow since I have nothing else to do then!' When I am busy I feel the time crunch and know I have to do something right then, because I will have no time later. So at the moment I am stuck in the perpetual, 'I'll have time later!' thought process.

Somehow this whole situation has not affected my schoolwork, thankfully, but it just makes me feel like a giant turd. I do have things to get done around the house, projects that need finishing, laundry to be cleaned, but have been so unmotivated to do it. So to remedy that, I'm trying to create a schedule for myself. It is waaaaay past due considering this semester is over halfway over, but whatever. Here are some ideas I've proposed to myself:

Limit laptop use that is not related to homework to 30 minutes per day. I will happily sit on my couch with my laptop and waste the day away, but chances are I would never do that at my desktop because the chair is not that comfortable. I can, however, do homework on it, because again, I'm not very likely to sit at the desktop for a long period of time.

Only check Facebook twice a day with a maximum of 15 minutes total. It is sooooo easy to get caught up with Facebook and every time I check it I'm always thinking, 'WHY AM I DOING THIS?! I don't care about 90% of the shit I just read!' I've already had it deleted from my phone for a while, so now I'm going to wean myself away bit by bit.

Only check Instagram twice a day with a maximum of 10 minutes total. I feel like I should also limit how many times I post a picture? I usually limit myself to one a day, though, so I don't think it'll be a problem. Anyways, it's such a handy thing to entertain myself with pretty much anytime I don't have something to do for longer then 0.5 seconds (think in line at the grocery store, while waiting for a meeting, before class, during breaks, etc) and it's not something I need to be doing.

No TV during the day from Monday-Thursday. Vince and I wind down together with the TV at night, but I have no reason to watch it during the day. Vince is at work those days so I can use this time to do homework, go to class, clean, craft, read, work out, cook, etc. Hopefully this means I can get most of my schoolwork done during the week so that weekends are free. (Though I still have to work.)

No electronic on Saturdays. I talked to Vince about this and though it took convincing, he is on board with me! I think this will be extremely beneficial to us because as with all electronics, it's so easy to always be on our phones, or watching TV 'together' or surfing the internet. So to have a whole day to reconnect every week will be great, and with summer coming it'll be a perfect day to plan day trips and be outside. Granted, we are already outside a lot anyways, but now Vince won't have to be annoyed with, 'Hold on, I want to take a picture of this!'

Do not work on homework when Vince is home. There are so many nights where I'm in another room getting a quiz finished late into the evening after Vince is home from work, when I'd rather be spending time making dinner with him. I have no excuse for not getting it done earlier in the day.

I'm hoping that by instilling these 'rules' for myself I'll be able to find some inspiration within my days to do useful things around the house. I guess now that I type everything up it's not really a schedule for my day, but in a way it is because it will force me to actually do stuff during the day instead of sit on the computer or watch streaming shows. I'm going to make up a little sign to tape on my TV/laptop and I'll let you know how it works!

A little word vomit for you.

So I'm just going to start typing and hope I word vomit all over the place for your entertainment. I feel like I haven't posted in a long time and even Vince mentioned how long it's been when he went to check my blog last night. If your husband is telling you your posts are few and far between, you know you need to write. But alas, I do not know what to write about.

I guess I can start with the biggest part of my life: the nursing program! I feel like I'm jinxing myself by saying this, but it seems to be way easier than everyone told me it would be. I expected to be doing homework every night and to never have time to hang out with Vince, but that hasn't been the case! I know it's only my first semester and I've heard the second is the hardest by far, but still. I expected tears by now and I've hardly even been stressed.

Last semester was a very pivotal turning point in The Mind of Steffani in the sense that I totally chilled out. My microbiology lecture was kicking my ass hardcore in the beginning and I for sure thought I was going to end up with the C in the class and would not be able to get into the nursing program. After stressing about it for a few weeks and talking with my teacher who recommended I 'chill the hell out' and that passing is passing, I stopped caring! Well, I stopped caring in the sense that I didn't need to get a perfect grade and that as long as I passed, I wouldn't care.

After not doing as well as I wanted on my first two test (well, I got a low B and a mid B which isn't bad at all, but I considered it to be at the time) and talking to my teacher (see above paragraph) I re-evaluated what I was doing. What was I doing that was helping, and what was I doing that wasn't? I noticed that I would take a lot of notes throughout lecture, almost everything he said, and that I wasn't actually listening. So I stopped taking notes! The first half of the semester I took about 5-10 pages (front and back) of notes and the second half I took NONE. Not a single note. I had a friend who sat behind me in class who actually asked me if everything was ok because I was just sitting there! I also noticed that doing physical activities like riding my bike and working out helped me relax, so I did more of that.

Going into the third test I was like, WHAT WAS I THINKING OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO FAIL AND HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE THAT MY ACCEPTANCE TO THE NURSING PROGRAM WAS RESCINDED ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO RIDE MY BIKE. But guess what? I got a fucking A that I previously thought was unattainable. (I can't stress how hard this class was. On our first test we had like five As out of almost 200 students, and that was with him giving us 6 or 8 extra points.)

After that third test I continued not taking notes, took my final, and ended up getting a 98% in the class. Yes, that is almost equal to 100%. In microbiology class, which is known as the 'make it or break it' class for all medical/science majors. Needless to say, I was pretty stoked.

So bringing that knowledge of 'chill the hell out' into the nursing program has been beneficial to me. I feel like I absorb so much more information when I'm relaxed and just sitting there listing to what the teacher is actually saying. Going into my first big test for the program I was somewhat nervous, but at the same time I had this calmness about me knowing that I didn't need an A. An A would be fantastic and that is ideally what I wanted, but if I didn't end up with one (which is so much harder to do in the nursing program because 93+ is an A, instead of 90+) it wouldn't be the end of the world.

As luck would have it (or reading 18 chapters and doing hundreds of NCLEX review question would have it) all of these little changes have been beneficial as I was one of very few who got an A on the first test! And no only that, but I feel confident in what I've been learning, as if I actually understand everything. (i.e., I'm not BSing myself into an A) Needless to say, I was excited, and really think that without my realization last semester, I wouldn't have gotten such a good grade.

I guess I wrote this post to tell everyone to chill out. Go take your dog on a walk. Climb a mountain. Read a John Grisham novel. Watch an entire season on Netflix in one day. Just chill out and don't feel guilty for not spending every waking moment studying! And lastly, even if you don't get an A, grades aren't everything. I know I won't get an A on every exam I have. I do not think people who have good grades are always smarter than someone who fails. Some people are better at taking tests, some people just don't want to apply themselves to a test but know all the information, and sometimes tests are just hard no matter how much you studied. In ten years I can promise that the A I got on my test will mean nothing to me, but the hours I'm able to spend outside camping and going on trips with my husband will mean a lot more.

So there you have it. Word vomit that was somewhat purposeful. A little. Now I'm off to study. ;)

Update Shmupdate.

Some life updates from January/February followed by an Instagraham picture. (Well, some I actually didn't post on Instagram, so just a photo.) I'm @iffyinklings if you want to get instant access to my exciting life!

// Do you know how stressful it is that an A in the nursing program is a 93? And that a 78 is failing, as in you can not pass go into the next class and must go straight to the jail that is the same class all over again? No thank you. As a straight A student (almost, save for the damn the Spanish class that I got a B in THAT I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO TAKE but thought would be fun (it wasn't)) I am used to working hard, but now the information is even more hard so I have to work harder and that is just too many hards in one sentence. No.

Me riding to orientation the first day, not realizing how cold it was, and me on my first day of lab wearing my pajamas scrubs.

// I made this for my bestie's birthday and lurve it.

// This is a reminder to myself to make time to work out during stressful weeks because it totally helps. It's so easy to just shut down when so many things are happening and going wrong and even easier to just sit on my couch reading Harry Potter or watching Netflix, but then I get sucked into the dark hole of doom that is so hard to crawl out of. Working out during bad times makes things so much more manageable and even though I love love love being physical, I still forget!

My post-workout smoothie after finally getting out of my funk.

// The color gold is growing on me bit by bit. But I still hate gold jewelry. I think. As I said, it may be growing on me.

// I managed to paint three whole walls in my kitchen before I started classes again, so that means my kitchen is half beautiful white and half ugly yellow off-white. I'll just stare at the wall that has this shelf and tell myself I'm satisfied for the next four months until summer break.

// Vince and I went on vacation to the beach in California. Hopefully more pictures will be posted to please your eyeballs soon. I of course took like half a million. Which reminds me that I never even posted pictures of my trip from August (?) that I took with my friend to a different part in California, so maybe you shouldn't get your hopes up.

// Food, food, and more food.

//The House of the Lord, if you are Mormon. Which I am not, but I still went and enjoyed the beauty.

// Homegrown eggs are so much cooler than store-bought, and not in a douchey 'I'm cooler than you' way. Just look at the print and texture on this egg! I wish I could raise my own little chickens instead of having to pay a guy here in town.

// In honor of my New Year's goal of enjoying life and doing exciting things, I climbed in the tree tops at Flagstaff Extreme Adventure Course. I was one of the 20% who are able to finish the course, and it was awesome. I used to think I was afraid of heights, but I was surprisingly not nervous so I guess I can't tell people I'm afraid anymore. I'm thinking it's because I have really bad depth perception and didn't actually realize how far up I was because when I look at pictures I'm like, 'HOLY SHIT, YOU ARE SO STUPIDLY HIGH WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WOMAN?!'

We also rode a new trail in a town we've never ridden in before, Prescott. The trail was all sorts of awesome and probably one of my most favorite trails, but it was so windy that my ears ended up hurting really bad. We'll go back soon, though!

Good god my genetics are fantastic, my teeth are perfectly straight and I never had braces. Now if only my smile could be straight.

// Baybee sitter 4 lyfe.

Nursing + Making Friends

So I need to start this by telling those of you who don't know that I got into the nursing school! I got accepted to NAUs Bachelor of Science in Nursing program and start in January. I didn't expect to get in because it's known for being extremely difficult to get accepted your first try (they only accept 30 students a semester and usually have a few hundred applicants each cycle, and have had up to 650) so needless to say, I am excited. Anyways, to the rest of the post.

One thing that might come as a total shock is that I am an introvert through and through. When I tell people this they always seem shocked for some reason, but seriously, I am. I hate hate hate small talk so I don't like being in a situation where it's needed (i.e., parties!), I hate being away from home, and sometimes I even hate being around Vince. Fortunately, he understands when I say, 'Will you just stop talking and let me be so I can be alone with my brain?!' That especially happens when I come home after a long day at work/class and I haven't had some down time.

For the most part, I'm fine with being introverted. It saves me time because I don't have to sit and talk to someone I don't know about how their boyfriend is being super annoying and it saves me money because I don't need to go out and spend time with friends. I leave all that to Vince, who is one of the most extroverted person I know.

At the same time, you can imagine the drawbacks. I may seem disinterested in someone, especially if I'm at a party or in a class, and it makes it really hard to make friends. In reality, I really do want to talk to you but I'd rather hear about things you are actually interested in instead of the weather. I'm probably the worst friend maker there is! This is one of the things that makes me nervous about nursing school: I'll be with the same 30 people for two and a half years. THAT IS FOREVER. And what if I don't make any friends at all? I just read this post on a nursing forum and now I'm convinced I'm going to be that girl that everyone thinks is weird.

But in reality, I just need to take a chill pill. I know I am AWESOME with patients based on my CNA experience and I know that I get along well with coworkers. I have no doubt that my introvertedness will not be a problem when it comes to being a nurse and everything it entails, it's just being in class! Which seems like a totally weird thing to be nervous about. How am I ok making small talk with a patient or a coworker, but not a classmate?

When I sit in my classes now and hear the things people talk about, it seriously drains all my energy just to think of having a conversation like that. I don't care what color your new shirt is or that stupid thing your friend did in the middle of the movies. Tell me about how your parents got divorced or how much you really love nutrition and then we'll get to talking for hours!

Is it a bad thing if I don't make friends? I am there to learn, right? Maybe I should just give them a piece of paper with a link to my blog telling them to read it and find something we're both interested in to talk about. Ha! ;)

Balancing Act

The past couple weeks I've just felt like I might EXPLODE at any second. Like a bomb waiting to go off as I run on my mouse wheel from one location to the next. Luckily, I acknowledged I've been feeling this way and have been doing things to counteract that feeling.

I really like consistency, a lot. To a certain extent, I like doing the same thing over and over because it establishes a routine, and I like routines. I brush and floss my teeth the exact same way every time, starting in the top right (outer side of tooth to inner side), going to the left, then to the bottom right and back to the left. I wash dishes with the same methodology every time, fold all my towels the exact same way and if Vince does it differently I will refold it. I do this not only because it is extremely efficient (that's one of my favorite words, I LOVE efficiency) but because I know the outcome every time. I know how long it will take me to brush and floss, how many dishes I can wash before I have to change the water, and know that my towels will fit on the shelf perfectly and look nice.

I also like when there is a time for everything and I know what I have to do at specific moments throughout the day. The past few weeks have not had any kind of consistency to them, and it's been stressing me out. I've changed my work schedule a few times, changed my class schedule, changed my sleeping schedule, classes were canceled some days...too much change, even though I usually like it!

On top of that, I haven't been able to exercise as much, which is something I view as even more important than studying, but I haven't had time for that, either. Food is the number one thing in my life (because without healthy food, the rest of my life seems to crash and burn...I can't do much when I feel like crap!) and at the end of the day, that's all I've had time for.

But (there's always a but!) I've been working on that. This biggest and most helpful thing I've done is created this little sheet for the week that I can fill in the Sunday before.

I've written stuff down on it for next week, and already I feel SO much less stressed. After seeing it visually, I know everything is manageable and that I can easily handle the work/school load I have. I think my major problem before was that I wasn't able to have a complete grasp on everything that needed to be done, so I was constantly worrying that I was forgetting something, or imagining that I had so much more work to do than I really had. Now I just have to glance at the sheet and know that it's not all that much! Well, it's still a lot, but it's more manageable.

I've also been working on scheduling and organizing my time so that I do have moments to take care of all aspects of my life. I plan certain things on days that are easiest, like preparing snacks for the week on Sunday after grocery shopping and a few lunches for the days I'm not at home on a break, having my long workouts on days when I don't have a heavy class schedule, etc. Instead of waiting until I have time to do something, I just put it on the schedule.

Snacks!

Lastly, I've been saying no to things I know I can't do. I've been asked to volunteer for a couple things, watch a friends kid, help with this or that, and I've had to say no. I am such a people pleaser and it's really really hard for me to turn someone down, but for my sanity, I've had to do it! Saying no is what has allowed me to take time to myself, like going on a hike today with my best friend, and then going on a run on my own after. If I had said yes to all the things asked of me, I wouldn't have had an entire two days to myself this weekend! I only have one 'me' day since the other day is dedicated to school work and food prep for the week, but one day is enough to recharge myself for the week.

So that's that! I have 55 hours a week I need to be somewhere specifically which doesn't include homework time, I make all my meals at home, I need to workout multiple days a week and take care of my dog, and I need have a good relationship with my husband. Somehow it's all working out and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.