Realizing that I can.

I mentioned on Facebook that I have a deep love for Henry Rollins after seeing him do spoken word a few years ago. I hold this man to the highest level of respect and find him so incredibly inspiring. 

It's a funny thing to be an adult and still think that there are so many things that you can't do. That you can't travel because you have no money, that you can't learn something new because you have no time, that you can't do a certain sport because you are out of shape. As a child you believe you can do anything and be anything you want to be, but somewhere along the line, we lose that. Why? Why do we automatically start to think there are things we can't do?

I think one thing that I've been realizing over the past few months is that there are so many fucking things I am capable of that before I did them, I told myself I couldn't do. I can change my mind about having a baby. I can climb to the top of a tree in the freezing woods and walk between them on a tightrope. I can ski down a snowy mountain top. I can travel to cities I've never been to. I can ride my bike miles and miles past the point I thought I'd have quit. I can have a conversation with someone I don't know and make a connection. I can rock climb. I can read page after page afar page after PAGE and still have the brain power to function. I can forgive people who have hurt me. 

I am capable of doing so much more then I've ever imagined and now that I am realizing that, it's like the entire world it opening up to me. I'm no longer laughing at myself when a little idea pops into my mind about something I want to try and "can't do", and instead am thinking, "Hmm, how can I make that happen?"

Next time you think of something silly you want to try that you think you can't do, find a way to do it. From there, a snowball effect will happen and you'll just continue to fill your life with exciting adventures.

So how can you make your ideas happen and do the things you want to do? What do you want to do?

My Only Goal For The Year: Enjoy Life.

This year I want to do so many new things. I equate my miscarriage to a near death experience in the sense that I'm so much more appreciative of life and really want to do as many things that I love as I possibly can before I have to tone things down a little to focus on another human being. We've decided to hold off on having a baby until I'm done with nursing school and in a way it's a relief to have more time to 'grow up' and explore life. So in the meantime, here are my plans.

I want to go on a long backpacking trip, consisting of multiple nights. I want to rock climb, both indoors and outdoors. I want to wash my laundry once a week so I can stop stressing about it piling up. I want to visit friends who live in other states. I want to spend more time outdoors than indoors. I want to travel, even if just for a weekend, and see new places. I want to learn so much in school and try and enjoy every second of it. I want to mountain bike in many cities all across the country (but most likely in the Southwest). I want to eat so much food that it nourishes my soul. I want to go camping as many nights as possible. I want to grow our business. I want to get a tattoo or three. I want to swim in the ocean. I want to go on dates with my husband. I want to kayak. I want to pick fruit in an orchard. I want to skydive. I want to drink more water than anything else. I want to read books that are so good I need to make space for them on my bookshelf. I want to spend more time with friends and family. I want to take beautiful pictures and print them out. I want to take my dog in the woods more. I want to simplify my home and get rid of things. I want to meditate more. I want to stay healthy. I want to enjoy life.

Life is an amazing thing and there are so many things you can do with it, so this year I'm putting more effort into simply enjoying it.

Bienvenidos

As some of your know, my family is huge and full of Mormons. Happy, loving, accepting Mormons. (I don't type that sarcastically, they really are. They are an amazing bunch.) My cousin Austin has been on a mission for the past two years in Mexico City and finally got home last weekend. He is one of my favorite cousins and not just because we have the same birthday! I headed down to Phoenix after work on Friday night, we made signs, and then bright and early Saturday those of us that were in town headed to the airport. We were all panicked getting there because his flight was coming in twenty minutes early, but we made it in time with an hour to spare.

We were waiting at the terminal his flight was coming into, and continued waiting, and waiting and waiting. After talking to a security officer a million times to make sure we didn't miss him, we all remembered he was coming in from out of the country, therefore he'd have to go through customs and come out of a different area! Luckily we hadn't missed him and the international doors was just around the corner.

Eventually we saw him walking down the hallway, we all got excited, AND HE STOPPED TO TALK TO THE PERSON HE FLEW WITH! I thought my aunt and cousin were going to loose it! It was so funny. He was just finishing up a conversation with them and wanted to do it before he was accosted by us after walking through the door.

When he walked through, we were very happy he made it safe and had survived two years in a city where he got shot at in a drive-by shooting and lived without headphones. He is a MAN now, not a young teenager like when he left! It's so crazy to see such a difference in him. He seems so happy and at peace and now his english has a spanish accent.

He went and hungout with his dad's side of the family for the afternoon, so the rest of us went back to my great aunts house to hangout. It was such a nice relaxing day with perfect weather, despite being in Phoenix. My great aunt has a wonderful house and I have so many fun memories of visiting as a kid!

I'm not going to tell you my aunts age in the above gif, but I'll say her son is 21 years old. And she can still do a round-off. Pretty badass if you ask me!

I ended up leaving late Saturday night and was sad to go, but so glad I had a chance to relax a little and hang around people I love. It's such a rejuvenating thing!

Lend a hand. Or money.

I'm alive, but I've been enjoying summertime and have tried to stay away from the computer. I'll be back soon with an update on my life! 

I've talked a little about this before, but some days are so full of greatness that I can't help but to feel guilty. I have so many good things going on in my life, great friends, and a great family, and while I know I deserve it, simply because I think almost everyone deserves it, I just feel so sad for everyone who doesn't have the same things that I have. And by things, I don't mean a TV, a car, etc, but just the feeling I have of happiness, contentness and safety.

A couple weeks ago a friend posted a link on her Facebook from Flagstaff Shelter Services about how they needed food donations to feed the homeless. FSS isn't able to provide overnight services during the summer like they do during winter, but they will be providing breakfast from 7am-1pm every day. That adds up to a lot of food and money!

I've always been one to donate to a good cause, even if it was a dollar or two, but I know I can do more than that. And I am! I've adjusted the budget around so that we can have $20 a month to give away to something we want to help with. At first, I thought there was no way we would have money. I'm a college student who works short hours during the semester, and it's not like Vince is rolling in the big bucks. But after realizing that if I'm privileged enough to spend more than an hour of my time researching what kind of freaking tupperware I want (glass? plastic? bpa free? round? square?) and buying an $8 tube of lipstain at Target, I realized I have more than enough money a month. Well, not more than enough, but at least $20.

60 yoghurts, 2 giant watermelons I cut up, jelly (homemade and store-bought) and peanut butter for $25

One thing that really stuck with me was a post that the manager of FSS posted on her Facebook wall. She was giving a ride to one of the patrons of the shelter and he said that he typically doesn't like to eat a lot because he has no where to go to the bathroom, since most businesses do not let homeless people use them. Read that last sentence again. And then again. And then one more time, for good measure. This man, who only has access to a small amount of food, sometimes prefers not to eat because he has no where to use a restroom. How heartbreaking is that? It's something I never would have thought of until I read that. A lot of people claim that the homeless have done it to themselves, and that if they really wanted to do something about it, they could. Do you honestly think that someone would choose this life? A life where they opt not to eat because they had no where to take a shit?

My town has a lot of people who are homeless, especial during the summer, and I'll be the first to admit that it can be hard to deal with. I live on a street know as 'Hobo Highway' because it's the street between shelters that a lot of homeless people walk on when they go from the night shelter to the one they hangout at during the day. A lot of the times they taunt my dog if she's in the yard as they walk by, make crude comments to me, are already wasted, and aren't really a joy to be around. It's important to remind myself that not all of them are like that, and that this isn't a life of their choosing. Yes, to a certain extent it is, but really, think of yourself in that position. Imagine how hard it would be to get out of that situation on your own. You would need all the help you could get. And I of course remind myself of the saying about how everyone has a different story that has led them to their current place in life. (Um, I can't remember the quote, or where I've read it, or anything. If you know, pass it my way.)

So I'm committing to do more and I challenge you to do the same. It doesn't have to be for a homeless shelter, but can be bringing toys to the children's hospital or something. If you are in Flagstaff and want to help, Flagstaff Shelter Services can use things like bread, peanut butter, jelly, hard boiled eggs (or regular eggs that someone else will boil), clothes, yoghurt, fresh fruit, granola bars, etc. They have a fridge but no stove/oven, so they are pretty limited with what they can do!

"You that I love with love so dear..."

Last year was my first Thanksgiving where I didn't spend it with my whole family and just stayed at home with Vince drinking rum cider and cooking all day. This year we spent it with Vince's family, most of whom I was meeting for the first time. Let me tell you, there were a few moments of 'Holy crap, these people are my family! I have more family!'

It was surreal at times to realize that there were so many more great people being added to my life. Those people that I was surrounded by are the people that my kids are going to know as cousins and (great) aunts and uncles and grandma and grandpa! These people who are strangers to me, but at the same time completely welcoming and loving as if we've known each other for years, will be part of my life for the rest of it. It's such a good feeling to realize that family is family, even if you aren't related by blood!

As great as my new family members are, I did kind of miss the Thanksgivings I'm used to as a kid. I almost shared one of my traditions with my new family but chickened out because it's a tradition that makes me cry, so I'll share it here instead. 

Every time my 'regular' family gathers around and my grandma is there, she shares a poem called The Family Meeting by Charles Sprague. We always joke about how she can't make it through the first few lines without crying, and that's one of the traits that's been passed on to me. Here's the poem:

We are all here,
Father, mother,
Sister, brother,
All who hold each other dear.
Each chair is filled, we are all at home!
Tonight let no cold stranger come;
It is not often thus around
Our old familiar hearth we're found.
Bless, then, the meeting and the spot,
For once be every care forgot;
Let gentle peace assert her power,
And kind affection rule the hour.
We're all--all here.

We're not all here!
Some are away,--the dead ones dear,
Who thronged with us this ancient hearth,
And gave the hour to guileless myrth.
Fate, with a stern, relentless hand,
Looked in and thinned our little band;
Some like a night flash passed away,
And some sank lingering day by day;
The quiet graveyard--some lie there,
And cruel ocean has his share.
We're not all here!

We are all here.
Even they--the dead--though dead, so dear,
Fond memory, to her duty true,
Brings back their faded forms to view.
How lifelike, through the mist of years,
Each well-remembered face appears!
We see them, as in times long past;
From each to each kind looks are cast;
We hear their words, their smiles behold,
They're 'round us as they were of old.
We are all here!

We are all here:
Father, mother,
Sister, brother,
You that I love with love so dear.
This may not long of us be said;
Soon must we join the gathered dead,
And by the hearth we now sit 'round
Some other circle will be found.
Oh, then, that wisdom may we know
Which yields a life of peace below;
So, in the world to follow this,
May each repeat, in words of bliss,
We're all--all here.

The last stanza is the one that gets me every time and is my favorite part of the poem. You that I love with love so dear. This may not long of us be said; soon must we join the gathered dead, and by the hearth we now sit 'round, some other circle will be found. Doesn't that just make you want to cry?! I don't necessarily believe in heaven, but it is a nice thought that someday I will sit in a circle with all the ones I love.

This poem is a good reminder that no matter how far away I am from those I love, we can still be close.

For those of you that are married, have you ever felt like this?

Honeymoon Road Trip: Day 1

Even though Vince and I got married almost a year ago in September, we are just now taking our honeymoon. Between school full time and work full time, it just hasn't been able to happen until now! To celebrate, we are taking a 15 day road trip from Flagstaff up to Seattle, then slowly down the coast. I will post about each day, though not necessarily on that day! I feel like breaking it up will be the only way I'll actually post about the trip because it's a lot less daunting. Some pictures are taken with the iPhone and the other with my Canon Rebel T2i.

Vince and I somehow survived NINETEEN HOURS together in a car and didn't get into a single fight. For real. That never happens on long drives! He usually tells me a wrong direction, I call him stupid, and we both panic because we're going 80 miles per hour and I'm yelling at him. This time I accepted the fact that I would get wrong directions but we would still arrive at our destination. I'm kind of turning into a grown-up. Unsurprisingly, it made the trip much more pleasant and easy.

On Thursday morning after I had my final for my statistics class, I came home to clean the house for the wonderful people watching the dog/fish/house (thanks Melissa and Zach!) and finish packing. I was running around all crazy but somehow managed to get everything we needed done. I even decorated the car with window crayons!


We left town around 2:30 and hit the road for what we thought was going to be our camp at Yuba Lake State Park. Shortly into the drive it started raining and was wonderful.



I've driven through the reservation many times and while I think it's beautiful, it's only beautiful for so long. This time, though, it was breathtaking. I couldn't believe it could be so gorgeous. The clouds were so richly colored and there was lightning everywhere. The sand/dirt is usually a light pink, but since it was wet it was a deep rich red. Needless to say, I fell in love with rain in the desert. (Vince took these pictures on my phone, by the way, I was driving!)

I wanted to make the drive fun and relaxing, so we made frequent stops. The main exciting place was The Glen Canyon Dam, which made Vince nervous because of the height!




We drove across the 'new' bridge for the first time as well. For those of you who don't know, you used to drive across the dam, but because of national security and the fear of someone blowing it up, they built a fancy new bridge. It's such an odd thing for me because I've always driven over the dam and it's sad to think my kids won't get that kind of experience!

Since Vince had never been before, we also went in the visitors center.



When we got to Zion National Park, which I thought our campground was close to, I told Vince I'd drive another 10 miles before I stopped at a gas station to ask if our camp was close because I felt like we should have been there by then. After not finding it, I asked a lady that worked at a gas station if Yuba Lake was close and she said, "If you think 3 hours is close, then yes." I almost started crying. Vince and I were both really hungry and expected our drive to only be 4 1/2 hours so we could set up camp before dark. We ended up calling my dad (instead of using our phones...doh!) and he said we were indeed 3 hours away from where we wanted to be. So instead of driving the 3 hours, we drove an hour to the next camp site in Panguitch, Utah.

We got to the Hitch & Post around 9 and set up camp in the dark and made some dinner of pork, bell peppers, onions, spinach and a salad.

We were both so excited to be able to be out of the car! I was also extremely excited to use the lantern and stove that we had bought. I grew up using these exact styles when we camped, so it was crazy to see that the design hasn't changed in years. Needless to say, I love them and Vince does now, too. We also enjoyed some gin and tonics that I got for an early birthday present (thanks Lynn and Kyle!) before we got ready for bed.

As I was setting up the lantern mantles, I hit them which made parts of it fall apart, causing a creepy smiley face!

Shortly after eating,  we got ready for bed and it started pouring again, but luckily we were cozy and in sleeping bags! If you are ever driving through Utah and need to camp around Panguitch, I highly recommend this place! The owner, Randy, was extremely nice and accommodating for us to show up so late (it was 10pm Utah time) and at the last minute. It was a great and quiet little camp spot!

Counteraction

Vince was a little...sad...about the last post I wrote, and I do have to blame the people he works with for that. I don't think he would have been upset about it if his friends at work hadn't read it and started making fun of him, so thanks a lot GUYS.

So to counteract making fun of him (all in good humor) a few days ago, this post will be all about some things he does do right. Because honestly, he does more things right than wrong, and while I acknowledge the good things he does in real life, I don't always do it online. I'm not trying to make him look like an asshole or anything, but how often do you guys want to read about mushy gushy 'I'm in love' stuff?! I know I don't like reading it.

So here's some things he does right:

1) He's fine with me crying. (Not that I cry all the time or anything...) Some guys get freaked out when a girl cries and wants nothing to do with them. When I would cry at the beginning of our relationship, he was completely like that, but he's since realized that just because I'm crying doesn't mean he has to do something. He always felt like he had to do something to make me feel better, but he didn't know what, so he would just leave! But now he just lets me cry on his belly or lap on the couch and plays with my hair, which is absolutely one of my favorite things in the entire world. He understands that he doesn't need to do anything and that it's most likely not his fault, and that occasionally, I just exhausted and need to cry.

2) He calls me out on my shit. I'll be honest and say that I'm crazy. I am, and that's why he loves me. I yell, I get angry, I say insane things, and he accepts it. Don't get confused and think he lets me get away with it though. If I'm being totally mean to him when he didn't actually do anything wrong, he'll say so. He'll ask me what is really wrong and he'll try and help me get to the bottom of my anger. (And the answer is usually that I'm hungry. I'm totally serious and embarrassed by that answer.) A lot of the times I don't agree that I'm overreacting and I'll say everything is his fault and storm away, but after thinking about it, I know it isn't. I've been really great at apologizing afterwards (babysteps, people) but I've really been working on not overreacting and trying to catch myself before I go off the deep end.

3) He loves everything around him so much it's sometimes intoxicating. It's kind of weird to compare my dog to my future children, but seeing Vince with Roxanne just melts my heart sometimes. Even though I feel like stabbing her every time she licks my face or lays right on my shoulder and breaths in my ear, he loves it. He's constantly snuggling with her and giving her love and I think it's amazing. He's great about giving her waaaaay too many expensive treats, good walks, and plenty of belly rubs. When I see how he acts around her I am so completely in love with him that I literally feel like I'm going to puke. There's a weird sensation that comes over my body and everything just seems...good. I'm really excited about having our own kids in the future and seeing him extend his love to them as well.

Ok, I've hit the gross part so I will end it here. I do love him. I may joke and make fun of him but it is TRULY all in good fun. It's things I tell him to his face so I don't feel like I'm talking crap about him behind his back, and I wouldn't say anything that's too personal that I think would actually offend him!

I love you!