The Birth. Part 2.

Read Part 1 of the birth first!

Annnnnnd I was only 7cm. In almost 12 hours, I’d dilated 2 cm. At that point I started crying through some of the contractions because I was so upset that I had not progressed very much. It actually really helped to just totally sob and let all the tension release. Then something in me snapped and I told myself to get a grip. So with that, any thought of an epidural went away completely, I went into a special place in my mind, and kept walking around my room to deal with contractions. 

At the start of each contraction I would think, ‘I just have to take a few deep breathes and it will be over! Just a few more breathes. A few more breathes.’ And then sure enough, the contraction would be over, the relaxation would set in, even if it was only for 30 seconds, and I’d realize that I made it through yet another contraction.

I tried a few more baths here and there and quick 5 minute showers before the water would turn cold, desperately wishing for a longer shower. After that first nice bath, the water went out everywhere and wouldn’t stay warm long enough to fill that bath either. Maintenance came in and it still wouldn’t work, so I just accepted that I’d be stuck walking around my room for the rest of the birth. 

Around 5am my nurse offered to check me again because I said I was having a lot of pressure, but didn’t feel ready to push, and I was at an 8. I once again had thoughts about how there was no way I could do this, but didn’t actually consider an epidural. I was just so far removed from everything that the thought didn’t even occur to me.  So I continued laboring…

Once the sun rose (7ish? I think it was right after shift change…) one of my doctor’s came in since she just got on shift as well as a new nurse. I was feeling even more pressure and more intense contractions so I had her check me, and lo and behold, I was at a 9 with only a tiny bit of a cervical lip preventing me from getting to 10! I asked the doctor if it would help if my water broke, and she said it definitely would and asked me if I wanted her to break it. I immediately said, ‘But doesn’t that make the contractions worse?!’ Her response was essentially, ‘DUH’, but in a nice way. So I decided to have her break it so we could get things moving.

Within 15 seconds, my contractions were so intense I can’t even explain it. Thinking about them even now just makes me feel a little insane. That’s when I turned into the stereotypical pregnant lady that was full on screaming through each contraction. My new nurse had just said that my old nurse told her I was rocking this labor and that I was so calm and collected through everything, but that instantly flew out the window! They had me lay on my side to try and get rid of the last of the cervical lip, and laying down was so painful. So painful. It made all the previous contractions feel like a backrub. 

The minute or two I had between contractions was such bliss though. I felt amazing between the contractions because there was such a dichotomy between the feelings. I was able to close my eyes between them and after one of the contractions I asked Vince if they were getting further apart and that I was really nervous my labor was slowing down, and he laughed and told me I had my eyes closed for maybe a minute in between, but to me it felt like 7 or 8! After a while of the screaming I was able to collect myself again, much like the previous time, and moaned through everything while gripping onto the bed rail. (Vince's hands were saved from extreme crunching!)

After a few hours of lying on my side, I started to feel a bit like I could push. I was checked at 10am and was officially at 10cm, so she told me I could push whenever I wanted. Vince turned on the Pushing Baby Out hypnosis track and I started off with small pushes while still laying down, not feeling like I should really put a lot of effort into them quite yet. I didn’t have the extreme urge to push like you hear about.

I switched positions a few times during the first hour or so, from laying, to squatting, to having the head of the bed upright and leaning over that while on my knees, then back to laying at the recommendation of my nurse because despite what you would think, it apparently helps to get the babies head under the pubic bone in first time moms. At that point the contractions weren’t painful as long as I was pushing, and I was happy to not be standing after being upright for so many hours! Not only did my nurse stay the whole time, but my doctor was still there as well. Though I didn’t want anyone except Vince in the room for the beginning of the birth, it was really nice to have them there at that point. They were both so great at getting me through this transition, repeating mantras from my HypnoBabies tracks and even moaning with me. At no point did they tell me when to push or how to push; there was none of the counting while holding my breath or any ‘encouraging’ shouting involved! They did leave Vince and I alone for a while to just be together while I pushed, and came back with coffee for him which he appreciated after being up for so long. 

At 11am, I decided to really put effort into my pushes and switched to the ‘Queen’s throne’ position, where they drop the foot of the bed down with about a foot or two of bed for me to sit on, and the head of the bed is fully raised…like a Queen’s throne. Vince held one leg and my amazing nurse held another leg. They had set up the mirror and the nurse told me to try and open my eyes with some pushes to see what was happening, but I didn't have my glasses on! Vince grabbed them for me and even though I was only able to keep my eyes open a short time, it was really encouraging to see. After a few pushes, I remember her calling my doctor that had left for a few minutes to tell her that I was pushing really well and she should plan on being back within 15 minutes.

‘15 minutes!’ I thought. I could be having a baby in 15 minutes! 

BUT (so many buts in this story) her head was gigantic. The hardest part of pushing is getting the babies head under the pubic bone and having it stay past the bone, but Devin’s wouldn’t stay! Her head would get past the bone during a contraction, then would go back after I stopped pushing. We’d be able to see her head, Vince and the nurse would get excited, then it would disappear. And this went on for three more hours. 

As I mentioned before, the contractions weren’t actually painful anymore as long as I was pushing. I would get 4-5 good pushes out of each contraction, and the harder I pushed, the better I felt. My lower back was really hurting at one point so I had some hot packs on it, but other than that pushing wasn’t terrible and it did not feel like it took the amount of time they say it did. There was a few times I was just really tired and I kept saying, ‘I can’t do this!’ but Vince, the nurse, and the doctor would all say that I was doing it, which really boosted me up.

This is the time when I did want Vince touching me and being close while he said encouraging things to me. He said he was going to go get something (fill my water?) and I about freaked out on him. He was smart and stayed while my nurse went to fill it.  

Finally, after 3 hours and 50 minutes of sweaty pushing, she decided to make her presence into the world. I definitely can’t say I had a ‘ring of fire’ everyone talks about. For a gross image, I had pushed half her head out when my contraction stopped, and had to wait for the next contraction to get the rest of her out. Even as she was halfway out of me between contractions I thought, ‘This is so uncomfortable and awful, but it’s not painful?’ but then I also said, “HOLY SHIT” and my nurse laughed and said she can’t believe that was my first swear word the entire time. 

With the next contraction at 2pm on the dot, out Devin came, already screaming! Everyone laughed because it’s uncommon for the baby to start screaming until their whole body is out, but as soon as her mouth hit the air she screamed.

They put her on my chest and my first thought was, “She has Vince’s lips!” and then of course the usual thoughts of how perfect and beautiful my baby is. She smelled wonderful and felt wonderful and my whole world just felt like it was exploding with joy. THAT was the reason I went through months of sickness and hours of pain. 

Devin laid on me for a bit while Vince cut the cord and the doctor took care of the placenta, then she was checked out by the special care nursery for a minute to be sure her thyroid looked good. It was perfect so they quickly gave her right back. (She had an enlarged thyroid on some ultrasounds because of my thyroid meds.) My doctor stitched me up while Devin laid on me, our skin sharing each other’s warmth. It was just perfect and the best moment of my entire life.

A nurse encouraged me to help her latch on to breastfeed, but my craniosacral therapist had told me the day before to try and let Devin figure it out on her own at first, so I just let her be. Within minutes, she was rooting her way down my chest and like magic, latched on right away with almost no help from me. Now that was a perfect feeling. 

After about an hour and a half (maybe more, maybe less) I passed her over to Vince, fell madly in love with both of them all over, then rinsed off in the shower so we could transfer to the recovery room. The shower was of course crap (see above about NO HOT WATER) and a screw broke so that I had to actually hold the showerhead myself, which is hard to do that and soap up at the same time, but it felt pretty great. It was a wild feeling to look down and see no belly at all, it was almost completely back to normal just all bruised looking and squishy! There was a moment of extreme sadness when I realized that it was gone, just like that, until I realized my baby was now able to be in my arms. 

After my shower we did Devin’s weigh-in and measurements, and she was 6lb 9oz and 20 inches long. 

I was finally able to make eye contact with my nurse for the first time because my eyes had been pretty much closed since she had got on shift at 7am. She is another person who will forever have a place in my heart because she was just as great as my night nurse and was just what I needed for that transition of my birth. I can't actually picture her face anymore, but I can still hear her soft voice encouraging me.

After that we were transferred down a floor to recovery where we had some family visit and I got to say a million times to myself, ‘She’s here! I can’t believe she’s here! Look at how perfect she is!’ Vince got to get in his cuddle time with her and overall, it wasn’t a terrible night in the hospital. I expected them to not let me co-sleep with her in my bed, but they didn’t say anything about it when they came in for vitals. 

The next day we had her pediatrician come check up on her (I think he may have come the afternoon she was born as well, I can’t remember…) and he was amazed at how long of a birth it ended up being. He said everyone thought it was going to be faster and he’d gotten a call the night we checked in with a heads up that a baby was going to be born soon. Oh, how wrong they were! Ha. 

We had more family and friends come visit with us, my craniosacral therapist came to say hi and check out Devin, and the nurse that I had during the night of the birth came to say how wonderful of an experience my birth was for her and many other kind words. I thought it was so great that she did that! 

And with that, we were out of there! Vince drove us home all paranoid and adorable and she was quickly welcomed by Roxanne. 

Brief overview of my months with hyperemsis gravidarum.

Much like my miscarriage, I thought I'd be able to write about my hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme sickness that is way beyond morning sickness) experience to inform the masses about something that can happen to women. Much like my miscarriage, I'm realizing that it was actually a pretty traumatic event and is extremely hard to put how I feel into words. It's another one of those things that is absolutely impossible to fully understand unless you've lived through it. I tell people, 'Oh ya, this pregnancy has made me really sick,' when in my head I'm actually thinking, 'This pregnancy brought me to the point where I literally thought I may die, I happily wished for a miscarriage, and abortion crossed my mind every five seconds because it was just too much. Too much puking, too much weight loss, too much of an affect on my marriage, too much of a disruption for my life.'

I'm happy to say that I'm past all the dark stuff, and am finally able to enjoy this pregnancy quite a bit. It's been exciting to see a baby bump start to form, and absolutely pop this past few weeks! Things are starting to become a little more normal, and are falling into place. Plus, I can now say I'm like royalty because the princess and I have hyperemesis gravidarum in common. I'll write a post next about where I'm at now as far as how I feel and talk all about how I'm done sticking a needle in my leg every other day for my meds, but for now this is about how I got to this point.

June 23
Postive pregnancy tests! Woohoo!

We weren't trying to get pregnant, but when you follow the Natural Family Planning method without hormonal birth control and your body is screaming MAKE A BABY, your brain sometimes forgets to be logical. We absolutely knew there was a chance of getting pregnant, and that was a risk we were ok taking because getting pregnant wasn't the worst thing in the world. In the week leading up to the pregnancy test I was still working at a hole in the wall restaurant and always seemed to feel queasy. I had just started (I only worked there like three weeks before I quit!) and just assumed it was because I wasn't used to smelling such strong foods all the time. I was also really craving fake nacho cheese sauce, which is something I don't think I've ever had as an adult, and luckily we had that at work so I ate so much cheese and chips! And massive amounts of jalepenos.

I was having what felt like period cramps about eight days before my period and thought it was strange, but didn't pay too much attention to it because I usually get cramps a few days before. Then when my period didn't come Saturday night (TMI (but isn't this whole post?!) but my period always starts at like 2 or 3 in the morning and I get woken up by really bad cramps) I woke up Sunday morning and casually thought, 'Hmm, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant. I should probably take a test.' So I took a test while Vince was on a bike ride and sure enough, a pink line showed up right away and my brain went. 'FUCK. FUCK. WHAT?! Two lines means negative, right?'

Not believing the test because it was a cheap one I bought online back when we were trying to get pregnant, I headed to Target for a 'real' test. With shaking hands and a racing heart I bought it and headed home. Vince was there when I got back and he asked how I was, and I exasperatedly said, 'Pretty sure I'm pregnant so I bought a test.' He laughed and thought I was crazy until five seconds later I walked out of the bathroom with an extremely positive test, threw it at him, and started sobbing. I thought he was going to be so mad because we decided to stop trying a few months earlier so that I wouldn't be due in the middle of the semester. Luckily he was WAY excited about it, calmed me down and convinced me that this was a happy time and that I should stop crying. Then he said, 'Best birthday present ever!' because his birthday was the day before.

In the days that followed, my boobs became extremely sore and painful. I couldn't wear a sports bra because the pressure was too much, and even Vince resting his hand on them made me want to cry. I started to feel pretty nauseous and was having aversions to a lot of food as well.

June 30 (5 weeks pregnant)
I woke up to get ready to go to my job at the hospital (I work in a hospitality house, like a Ronald McDonald house) and felt SICK. Like really really sick - I was sweaty, had a racing heart, and was pretty sure I was going to throw up. I thought it was way too early for morning sickness and just assumed I was hungry, so I got up to get food. I ended up dry heaving instead, then laying on the couch trying to convince myself to eat. Knowing I had to work, I managed to get myself dressed, packed a lunch, and drove to work. On the way I had to stop in an alley to throw up, but eventually made it. I explained to my boss when I got there that I was pregnant and really sick, but that I thought I could work my six hour shift. The first hour I laid on a recliner in the staff apartment (we stay overnight when working the night shift) and tried to eat a little bit of a gluten free bagel with butter. I tried to get up to go to the office because I knew I'd have a check in soon and realized there was no way I was going to be able to work the rest of my shift. I called my boss who turned around from heading out of town, and she came to work for me.

I went home and slept, with dry heaving interrupting it, and didn't get off my couch for four days, except to go to the bathroom.

4 days later
I had my first OB appointment and realized there was no way I could sit up long enough to go. Laying down my nausea was manageable, but as soon as I sat up I felt terrible. The day before I remembered that I had anti-nausea medication somewhere that was leftover from my miscarriage last year (painkillers make me sick!) so I tore through the bathroom to find them. I knew my friend had taken zofran when she was pregnant so I researched the safe dose and took one and it helped quite a bit. I still felt nauseous, but didn't have the feeling that I was actually going to throw up.

The morning of my OB appt I took one so that I could go. I explained to my doctor how sick I was, and that I had already lost 7 pounds. The day after I found out I was pregnant I had an appointment with my primary physician to get a referral and I weighted 149 pounds, but just a week and a half later I was down to 142 pounds. My doc didn't seem concerned and explained that he would like to try a different medication first, but if those meds didn't work he'd prescribe me zofran. He originally prescribed a suppository phenergen, but at $16/pill that I was supposed to shove up my butt every four hours? Ya, no way. So he switched it to oral phenergen that immediately put me to sleep as soon as I took one. It's nice to sleep through the nausea, but doesn't lead to a functioning life! So zofran it was.

I started taking 4mg of zofran every four hours, around the clock. After some research online and a recommendation from a friend, I also started taking a combination of Unisom and Vitamin B6 at night, probiotics, and phenergen at night to help me sleep. The Unisom/B6 made a HUGE difference for the next day, but I was still feeling sick all the time. In addition to prescription meds, I also tried every natural remedy you could think of - ginger, citrus, ice, sea bands, small bland meals, peppermint, popsicles, crackers…everything. And nothing was working, I was still feeling sicker.

July 4-6 (about 6 weeks pregnant)
I was scheduled to work over 50 hours for the weekend with multiple long shifts (10-24 hours), and somehow made it! I spent a lot of time in the staff apartment in the recliner snacking and trying to stay on top of things. I was still feeling really sick, but thought that I was able to manage it with the zofram pills and constant snacking.

July 9 (about 6 1/2 weeks)
Our first ultrasound!

At the time I was like, "OH MY GOODNESS, that's a baby!" Now I realize how teeny tiny it really is! 
They say that it's really hard to be excited about a pregnancy after miscarriage, and it's totally true. You don't want to get too excited or attached because you know you don't live in fairytale land where everything will end up ok. You can try to convince yourself it's different this time, but the hesitant feeling never goes away. So to see a little beating heart was AMAZING. I can't even explain the relief, even if it was followed by the though of, 'Well, that doesn't mean it'll be beating tomorrow.'

July 7-August 16
That's a long time span, but every day was basically the same. I laid on my couch, didn't eat anything, and just felt sick. I never left unless it was to go to the doctor or the hospital. Over this time I lost 30 pounds because I wasn't able to eat more than half a peach most days. I wasn't able to drink a single sip of water, and was drinking about 4oz of liquid a day between watered down gatorade, sparkling mineral water, and chocolate Ensure drinks. I was already thin to begin with, and I wish I was kidding when I say I looked like a Holocaust victim. My knees looked huge because my thighs and calves lost all their muscle and my elbows were the same way, you could see every rib on my chest and my back, you could see every knob of my spine, my fingers got skinny enough that I couldn't (and still can't) wear my wedding ring because as soon as I lowered my hand it slipped right off, my shoes wouldn't stay on properly because I couldn't tighten them enough on my feet…I was skinny. Since I didn't have muscle to hold myself up, I would walk almost completely hunched over and bent at my waist. Now I understand the nursing diagnosis of 'disturbed body image' because I hated looking in the mirror and it scared me to realize how thin I was. If I had a clear picture of myself, I'd show you! These pictures were from when I was about 12 weeks and texting my mom a picture of my 'baby bump'. At this point I had my zofran pump, was feeling a bit better, and had gained back ~7 pounds. So picture me 7 pounds lighter without having eaten for the previous three weeks...the pictures look distorted because I'm so thin!

I had a couple visits from friends and family and each time I could see the look of sadness and shock in their eyes because I looked so unhealthy. To go from a body that was riding 20 miles on a mountain bike to not even be able to walk 10 feet to my bathroom in such a short time frame was unimaginable. I could tell Vince was very upset by it, but I wasn't in a position where I could listen to his 'problems'. He's told me many times how difficult it was for him to go to work and come home later to find me in the exact same position he left me in with the food he left still sitting there. I can't imagine the amount of frustration he must have felt to see me like that and have to take care of me after a long day at work. He was AMAZING throughout everything though and made sure I was taken care of.

On July 12th I realized I was extremely dehydrated and was only going to the bathroom once every 24 hours, and even then it was a very small amount. So off to the ER we went, and I ended up getting admitted for a day and a half.

I managed to eat about three bites of potatoes and 1 piece of asparagus, which made my pee smell so bad I threw up.
I was admitted to the labor and delivery floor and my nurses were amazing, but nothing they gave me helped. I got bag after bag of IV fluids, but still wasn't able to eat and felt nauseous the entire time. The nurses all told me that when someone is admitted for dehydration they always leave feeling better, so I was hopeful! But sadly left feeling even worse. To top it off, I had a couple bites of bacon the morning of my discharge that the hospital brought to my room and though I got a gluten-free tray, it was somehow contaminated with gluten and I had terrible diarrhea all that day. So much for the IV fluids!

I didn't feel better, and ended up in the ER again just four days later, on my birthday no less! I don't actually remember much of that day, and still forget that I even had a birthday. I couldn't answer any calls or texts I got and was just feeling so terrible that day. Luckily I didn't have to be admitted again.

When I was 9 weeks pregnant, I had had enough. After some research online (all done on my phone because the laptop was too much) that was interrupted by extreme headaches and nausea I came across a hyperemesis discussion board and realized there were many other women like me. After reading some of their stories and realizing that I had lost WAY more weight than a lot of them, and that there doctors had them in the hospital with PICC lines and NG feeding tubes, I realized that my condition was more serious than my doctor realized. Hyperemesis gravidarum only happens in 0.5-2% of pregnancies, so there is a good chance he hadn't actually treated someone like me! So after doing research, I realized that at the minimum, I needed a zofran pump. I called his office and demanded that he do something because I had lost 30 pounds, was not functional, and had not been eating or drinking from weeks. I said I would like a zofran pump, and I would like it now. He obliged, mostly because I think he and his staff were sick of me calling, and he put in an order for a home health agency called Alere that would set me up. That same day I got a call from a nurse saying they could send someone out the next night to bring me the pump and teach me how to use it.

The next night I was so excited for the nurse to come to my house but also nervous. I knew needles would be involved, and even though I'm a nursing student and am used to needles now, I don't like getting poked! The teaching nurse brought along another nurse who was training, and they were both wonderful. They dealt with Roxanne licking them and begging for some love, and sat in my cramped living room to give me and Vince the lowdown.

The night I got the pump.
This is the quick and dirty explanation of the pump: it is a continuous infusion of anti-emetics (Zofran) directly into a site that the catheter is placed. Most people have it placed in their stomach, but I was too thin and didn't have enough/any fat to pinch. Instead I placed it in the side of my legs. The catheter (which is about 1/2 inch) was placed in my leg by a needle, and then the needle was taken out leaving the catheter. I hooked up tubing that goes from the syringe on the pump to the site on my leg. I had to switch the site every 1-2 days, depending on how the site looks and feels. Zofran is really toxic to the skin and causes large red welts, swelling and bruising.

This was after the first week of using the pump - my left leg and my right leg. I'll let you imagine what they look like now, and I had it for 12 weeks! 

This it was it looked like after I had already had the site on my other leg for two days. 
I had a really high infusion rate, so my site started to hurt pretty quickly and I had to change it frequently at times. Because I had a high infusion rate, I had to change the syringe every 10 or so hours, often times in the middle of the night. The syringes of medication, site equipment, and batteries were sent to me every Tuesday which was really handy! Part of the process is that I had to call Alere every day to tell them my weight, how much I had eaten/drank, how many times I thrown up/dry-heaved, and if I had any ketones in my urine, which I would test every day.

My supplies for a week.
The pump was/is honestly life saver and I'm so glad I have insurance that covers the $4,000/week it costs to have it. (And I had it for 12 weeks. Yes, my insurance has paid $48,000 for just my zofran pump!) About a week after starting the pump I started feeling a lot better, but was still incredibly weak. Going to the bathroom still exhausted me and would spike my heart rate so I would feel really nauseous again.

One of the first things I was able to eat. I would add sugar to it so I would at least be getting some calories from it!
Even though I wasn't feeling as nauseous with the pump, I still wasn't able to eat or drink so when I started feeling dehydrated again a few days after getting the pump, I called my doctor and asked if there was anything else I could do instead of going to the ER. I was told there was no other option. My insurance covered my visits, but I had to pay a $200 deductible, so that added up really quickly! Vince recommended going to see our friend who is a naturopath who does nutrition IVs, so I started seeing her a couple times a week instead of going to the ER. Way cheaper, way easier, and she was able to give me a vitamin infused beg with a bunch of extra goodies like vitamins and minerals that you don't get at the hospital. It was extremely hard to get up and go there, but so worth it! (Her name is Dr. Amber Belt and she works at Flagstaff Clinic of Naturopathic Medicine. She's great for things besides IVs, too!) In addition to my pump, this was a true lifesaver!

Vince playing games on his phone while I dry heaved through my IV infusion.
During this time, I was unable to shower for about three weeks except one shower where I sat on the ground and asked Vince to wash my hair because it had turned into a big knot. After tears and frustration from both of us, we realized it wasn't something that could be undone. So I did nothing except let it get worse.

This was about a week before I cut it, so it got even worse!
After I got my pump and started feeling a bit better I scheduled an appointment to get my haircut. I was super embarrassed about it and explained it to the hairdresser and luckily she was so nice about it! She explained that she could try and get the knot out, but it would take many hours. I was definitely not going to sit through that, so I told her to chop it off! I ended up with an awesome haircut. (The angled style didn't last long though...I chopped it so it's even. I'm just not edgy enough for it!)

Skinny collar bones! This was after about 10 pounds of weight gain.
Within a couple weeks of getting my pump, I was able to take short walks. I would start with simple things, like walking around the block with Vince and Roxi (less than 1/4 of a mile) and would feel so tired and sick after, but knew I had to do it in order to progress. Vince's dad and his wife came out for the weekend on August 15th and we took a drive up to Snowbowl. We walked around a bit in the woods and I got SO tired and felt so sick, but it was really nice to get out of the house for the first time other than going to the doctor! We also went to dinner (I only ate small amounts and had leftovers) and went to The Wine Loft and played a card game.

At some point in all of this I had contacted Beyond Morning Sickness, a supportive group of people who are AMAZING! They gave me great information about what kind of treatment to ask my doctors about, send me a few books about hyperemesis, and other HG survivors frequently (and still do) sent me little postcards wishing me well. I am so thankful I had support from them, even though I wasn't really able to respond to anyone from lack of energy.

12 week ultrasound. So much bigger than the 6 week one! And Roxi was and still is my valiant guard dog. She rarely left my side and if she did, it was to bark at the FedEx guy.

Around 14 weeks into my pregnancy I was able to go back to work after not working since I was about 6 weeks.
This leads me to the beginning of school and where I am now! I'll cover that next. I feel like this post is such a brief overview of everything that has happened, but I honestly don't remember a lot of it. I was sleeping for 18 hours a day, literally did not leave my house for almost two months except to go to the doctor/hospital, I wasn't able to fall asleep at night because I was so nauseous until the sun started to rise, and then I'd sleep all day. I barely spoke to Vince, I never saw the sun, and all the days blur together.

When I write everything out it seems so simple and like a small time in my life, but I missed out on SO much. I didn't even really wrap my head around the fact that I was pregnant until I was about 16 weeks along, and even then it was still a new thing. Around 19 weeks is when I really thinking I was pregnant and was getting excited about it. I couldn't take weekly photos like I imagined I would, I didn't do a surprise announcement for family and friends like I wanted, and I wasn't able to go through the fun yet anxious phase of early pregnancy where everything was so new and exciting. My life was stolen for me for months and it sucked. Fortunately I am so much better (SO SO much!) and anticipate staying that way! I have now officially been off the pump for one full week which seems like an eternity. Here's the most recent belly shot at 21.4 weeks. I've gained back 21 pounds of the 30 I lost!

18 week ultrasound