Sunday, November 13, 2011
I no longer have any qualms about my body. It's strange.
To start from the beginning:
I've never really had body issues like a lot of women have and I am SO grateful for that. I don't think I have the perfect body in any way, body things just never seemed to worry me. I did have 3 things that I was somewhat self conscious about until recently, though, that just seem silly to me now.
The first thing was how skinny I was. I was CONSTANTLY made fun of growing up because I was so skinny. So many people at school would joke around calling me anorexic and twig and a lot of hurtful things. It was so frustrating because I ate SO much damn food! Little did I know at the time that the food I was eating was making me sick, and that was why I was so skinny.
I was talking to a friend in high school and said that I felt like I got made fun of as much as an overweight person did. He was taken aback and said that there was no way that was true. But it felt like I was, because the words truly did hurt me. I was made fun of on a daily basis, certain people weren't friends with me because of it, and it was on my mind all the time. Every time I would eat at lunch, I would think everyone was thinking that I was going to go throw it up after or something. I obviously don't actually know what people though, but that's how I felt. I was always so self conscious when eating.
When I found out that I had celiac and couldn't gluten, I became even more self conscious in a way. I would go out with my friends and I would usually only be able to eat a salad, which for a long time was SO embarrassing! Here I am, this skinny tall girl, sitting with friends as they're eating delicious lasagna, fried zucchini or giant yummy burritos, while I sit there with a small salad. And there were times when I couldn't even eat dressing which made it more embarrassing because it would make me think that people thought I wasn't eating dressing to save on calories or something. Ya, I clearly overthought a lot, but I couldn't help it!
For some reason, I have a calm feeling about it now. If I want a salad and I'm skinny, who cares? Why do I care if this person thinks I don't eat enough? I'm most likely never going to see them again! I know that I eat enough food and I know that I eat a lot of healthy food. I also know that I eat a lot of unhealthy food, and I'm totally fine with that.
Another issue that I've dealt with my whole life is my legs. They are SO white, and they have gross looking spider veins. I've always had them for as long as I can remember, and I absolutely hate them. When I would go swimming at our local pool, other kids would remark that I have old lady legs and oh man, would that hurt. I was so embarrassed! To solve that issue I just never wore short shorts or skirts. When I would go swimming I would always wear boys board shorts over my bottoms to hide my legs.
Over the summer for my birthday some friends and I went to the creek. I was considering wearing my longer shorts that go to my knees, but another friend had just given me a pair of her old shorts that were SO cute and I really wanted to wear them. They were super short though, so I didn't think I wanted to wear them. Then all of the sudden, something just came over me and I started laughing. Would my friends really care if my legs weren't perfect looking? They probably didn't notice and it was just in my head! So I wore those shorts and when we got to the creek, I even took them off and just wore my swimsuit. That is something I rarely do, and only when Vince and I are alone at the creek. It was so awesome to just walk along the creek and truly not care what my body looked liked. I had no worry about it at all, and it made me so happy!
A while ago I had some errands to do around town and it was HOT. The only pants I had that were clean were a pair that are not breathable at all and I feel like 5 times hotter than I really am in them. So I decided to wear a skirt. A mini skirt, actually. And let me tell you, it was WONDERFUL. I wasn't as hot as I would have been had I been in pants, and I was working on my 'tan' while walking around town!
The last problem I had is a tattoo on my back that I got when I was 16 in some persons kitchen. It was supposed to be a peace sign, and it looks SHITTY. So horrible. For a long time I was super embarrassed by it and would only wear/buy a shirt if it covered the tattoo. Like the skirt thing, there was a hot day a couple weeks ago and I just wanted to wear a strapless shirt. I was worried about not having my tattoo covered up. Again, something came over me and I just didn't care anymore. I was frickin' hot, and I didn't want to wear a regular shirt. So I put on my strapless one and was confident in how I looked. Maybe it's the fact that I have other tattoos that are really great pieces of art, but I just was over caring about my back!
So there you have it; silly things I used to worry about, that for some reason I don't anymore. I still don't think my bodies perfect, but I just don't care, which is such a liberating thing. You should try it!
Ok, and here's a side note: My husband's an ass. While I was sitting here typing, he asked, 'Are you ever gunna get rid of that baby fat?' referring to my double chin I get when I pull my head back. He was joking because I always laugh about my double chin in pictures, but still! He totally owes me a backrub for that.