Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What if I can't have a baby?

When I was a little girl, I used to love boy things. I would lay on the living room floor with my younger brother and random cousins that happened to be in town and we would play with matchbox cars. We'd make tracks out of paper, trade the sweet 'fast' cars back and forth, and try our damnedest to not get the crappy slow dump truck or crane.

One day, when I was 8 or 9, a switch flipped and I was in love with barbies. Like, obsessed. I know, 8 is a little old to start getting into barbies, right? But I loved them and loved doing their hair and playing in the tiny blow up pool for them. Barbies of course transitioned into baby dolls.

My grandma (who I was mainly living with in my baby doll phase) had the old Cabbage Patch Kids and we had a bald boy and a girl with red hair. I always loved the little boy and he was always my baby. I carried him around for a while, feeding him, burping him, ya know, regular baby stuff, until one day I was over it. I had moved on to the trampoline, coloring, and swimming at the ditch pool.

In church, a year or so later, one of the primary teachers was talking to us about kids. (The Mormons instill motherhood at an early age! Ha.) She was saying how one day we would all become mothers and fathers and that it was God's plan, etc, etc. The teacher asked us each a question, though I don't remember what it was, I just remember my answer: 'I don't think I can have kids.' The teacher asked me why I would say that, but I truly didn't have an answer, so I said, 'Because...' and moved on.

As I grew older and the idea of kids came up more and more in life I remembered what I said in church, and I still felt like that, like I don't think I could have kids. Not have kids in a parenting kind of way, but have kids in a physical way, like my body wouldn't be able to produce a kid. What kind of kid thinks they won't be able to have one?

I've talked many times about having kids and how I want them so so bad in the future, but there's still something inside me telling me that I can't have kids. It's a scary thought because almost everything I do in life is so that I can prepare myself to have kids. (Even though I'm not mormon anymore, it's a Mormon trait that's still deeply instilled in me!) I want to carry a little baby in my belly and feel it kick and move. I want to give birth to that little baby and feel it on my chest and feed it. That's what I want in life. But will I really be able to get it?

Vince and I have talked about what we would do if I couldn't have a kid or if he couldn't have one and even though we have the option to adopt, it terrifies me that I wouldn't be able to have one of my own. I feel like going and getting my eggs tested or something just to ease my mind!

Obviously I won't, and I'll just wait until the day when my husband and I are ready, but it's still a thought that goes through my head pretty frequently. I'm just hoping that it's me being paranoid because I want one so bad!

I've wanted to write this post for so long but it just seems too vulnerable in a way, so I haven't. BUT, now that I have a reason to for Pour Your Heart Out, I decided to link up! Lame excuse, but good enough for me to be fine writing about it! Haha.

17 comments:

  1. Aw I'm sorry you feel this way! I have been told by a few different doctors I'll never be able to have kids... but two other doctors have told me there is really no way to say that and that people end up having kids right after they're told to give up all the time. Just believe that when the time is right it'll all work out for you, and if that means seeking other options then so be it! 

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  2. I'm glad you're not going to run out and get your eggs tested.  Even if you are told you can't have kids without fertility intervention, don't believe them.  I was told this three times.  I have one child the old fashion way.  I don't seem to be able to do this a second time, but our first one was so perfect, I'm okay with one.  If after trying for a bit, you may decide to seek a little help.  But don't go straight for the fertility interventions, you may not need them. 

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  3. I hope that your feeling is wrong. Or that you can find another way to have a baby if that is what you choose. 

    Thanks for joining in! 

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  4. I have had this same fear since I was about 20.  I kept thinking, "If I don't start having kids soon, I might never be able to!"  I think that this is a way for your biological clock to start pressuring you to reproduce.  Now that it's almost 8 years later and I still haven't even started TRYING to have kids, I am even more nervous about it.  But Dave and I will just deal with that if it comes.

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  5. Steff
    It is strange that you have had this feeling for so long but it may not be reality. If it does turn out to be the case, you will find a way to make your dreams come true. I've seen you do that many times in the short years I have known you. Nothing will stop you! As you know, my kids are both adopted and I love them like crazy! I totally get the part about wanting to carry the baby and feel it inside you. I still would love to do that even tho I am an old lady now. LOL! But... after 17 years without using any birth control and going through a lot of infertility treatments it just isn't in the cards for me! Thanks for writing this post and be sure that you can always talk to me!

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  6. It's scary.  Not knowing if you can conceive.   I felt that way too, but I had not problems getting pregnant when I was ready.  Good luck, try not to worry.

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  7. Yeah, I feel the same way all the time!! I feel like because I'm one of the smarter girls who waited for the right person and is waiting for the right time that by the time we start trying, it won't work out. While Kyle and I were in Mass I asked him if we could save samples of our sperm and eggs so that in the future, just in case something didn't work out or one of us dies, we could still have children. He agreed and was a little surprised to know just how much I love him. With his mishaps it wouldn't be far-fetched to think of such things. If one of us died though, we'd still be able to have mini replicas of the other... It's kinda morbid to think that way, but I totally relate dude!

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  8. I'm the opposite of you.  At a young age, I always believed I could have kids...that it was as simple as stopping my birth control and...bam...I'd be pregnant almost right away.   Then I got married in my early 30's and suddenly I had this nagging feeling that getting pregnant wouldn't be easy.   My husband called it a self-fulfilling prophecy but to me, at that point, it felt like my gut was telling me something.  Turns out my gut was right but in my case my infertility was due to old, rotten eggs.  You're still young with plenty of time ahead of you, though, I do understand the nagging feeling that something just isn't right.  

    But even the medical professionals don't know everything....after having been told I'd only have a 1-3% chance of conceiving on my own, we turned to IVF and conceived our 1st set of twins on our 3rd IVF.  Then our 2nd set of twins came along 2 years later, completely spontaneously.  

    When the time comes for you to have children, just follow your heart.

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  9. I feel like if I was told I couldn't have kids my world would just explode! I couldn't even imagine what you've had to go through Sara! I sure hope those doctors were wrong...(Well if you want to have kids!) I've heard so many stories of people who have kids after being told they couldn't and they always make me smile. Thank you. =)

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  10. That's so good to hear a 'success' story! I think some doctors think they can know everything, but I'm so glad they don't. 

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  11. I'm so excited for you guys to start trying, I need some more cousins! =P  

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  12. Thank you so much for your kind words Bren.  It is great to see you and your family and know that even though they aren't your biological kids, they're still perfect and you love them just as much. I'm sure if I ever 'knew' that I couldn't have kids I would be able to accept it and deal with it, I guess it's just the not knowing part that is scary. And now that you mention not having to use birth control, it doesn't sound too shabby. =P

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  13. Oh, I wish there was an easy way to not worry! haha

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  14. Oh man, Kyle is always finding himself in trouble, that probably wouldn't be such a bad idea! haha =P But I feel the same way about the waiting part...so many friends are having 'accidental' babies and I would feel horrible if I couldn't have one that I truly wanted!

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  15. I plan on having kids around 25, so hopefully they'll still be 'fresh' by then! And that's so crazy to have a second set of twins! That's so wonderful!!

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  16. :D  I'm excited too!

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