When I was a little girl, I used to love boy things. I would lay on the living room floor with my younger brother and random cousins that happened to be in town and we would play with matchbox cars. We'd make tracks out of paper, trade the sweet 'fast' cars back and forth, and try our damnedest to not get the crappy slow dump truck or crane.
One day, when I was 8 or 9, a switch flipped and I was in love with barbies. Like, obsessed. I know, 8 is a little old to start getting into barbies, right? But I loved them and loved doing their hair and playing in the tiny blow up pool for them. Barbies of course transitioned into baby dolls.
My grandma (who I was mainly living with in my baby doll phase) had the old Cabbage Patch Kids and we had a bald boy and a girl with red hair. I always loved the little boy and he was always my baby. I carried him around for a while, feeding him, burping him, ya know, regular baby stuff, until one day I was over it. I had moved on to the trampoline, coloring, and swimming at the ditch pool.
In church, a year or so later, one of the primary teachers was talking to us about kids. (The Mormons instill motherhood at an early age! Ha.) She was saying how one day we would all become mothers and fathers and that it was God's plan, etc, etc. The teacher asked us each a question, though I don't remember what it was, I just remember my answer: 'I don't think I can have kids.' The teacher asked me why I would say that, but I truly didn't have an answer, so I said, 'Because...' and moved on.
As I grew older and the idea of kids came up more and more in life I remembered what I said in church, and I still felt like that, like I don't think I could have kids. Not have kids in a parenting kind of way, but have kids in a physical way, like my body wouldn't be able to produce a kid. What kind of kid thinks they won't be able to have one?
I've talked many times about having kids and how I want them so so bad in the future, but there's still something inside me telling me that I can't have kids. It's a scary thought because almost everything I do in life is so that I can prepare myself to have kids. (Even though I'm not mormon anymore, it's a Mormon trait that's still deeply instilled in me!) I want to carry a little baby in my belly and feel it kick and move. I want to give birth to that little baby and feel it on my chest and feed it. That's what I want in life. But will I really be able to get it?
Vince and I have talked about what we would do if I couldn't have a kid or if he couldn't have one and even though we have the option to adopt, it terrifies me that I wouldn't be able to have one of my own. I feel like going and getting my eggs tested or something just to ease my mind!
Obviously I won't, and I'll just wait until the day when my husband and I are ready, but it's still a thought that goes through my head pretty frequently. I'm just hoping that it's me being paranoid because I want one so bad!
I've wanted to write this post for so long but it just seems too vulnerable in a way, so I haven't. BUT, now that I have a reason to for Pour Your Heart Out, I decided to link up! Lame excuse, but good enough for me to be fine writing about it! Haha.