Thursday, October 21, 2010


In the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about 2 friends of mine that died over the past few years. I think of them both every day, it's just been more often I guess because of more reminders. One of them, Dinga, I grew up with and the other, Ben, I dated for a while and it didn't work out. Ben and I we were extremely close after we broke up, though, and talked or texted every day for hours. He died while he was driving drunk, and I think about him every day of my life and wish he were still here. Dinga died from a drug/alcohol complications and I wish he were here as well. They were both AMAZING people.

Danielle from SometimesSweet posted a blog the other day about how her 'brother' passed away a few years ago and she always thinks that each time she leaves someone that will be the last time she may see them again. After Dinga died, I was torn up and stopped partying as much, but after Ben died, I thought exactly like Danielle.

For a few months after Ben died, I would freak out every time Vince wanted to go out and I wasn't with him. Every time I would hear sirens I would think, "Oh my god, he got hit riding his bike home," or something equally as scary. Even now, I freak out if Vince leaves for work in the morning and doesn't give me a kiss. If I wake up and don't remember him saying bye, I'll call him to say bye and that I love him.

I've started to overcome that thinking, though, and I'm glad I have. I hated living in the constant fear that every time I would say bye to my family or friends, I would never see them again. Sometimes I would get so overwhelmed with emotions that I felt like they had actually died and would just cry. Clearly, I was not dealing with Ben's death very well.

I still think about how I may never see people again, but it doesn't affect me as badly because I remind myself that if they die, my life will still go on and that it may change my world in a drastic way, I won't ever forget them.

One thing that does affect me is seeing comments on Ben's Facebook page from people who love him. Every year around his birthday or around the time he died, there are many comments saying, "I'm having a shot for you bro," or similar things. Every time I read comments like that I get so mad, because a lot of these people aren't smart when they drink and do similar acts like drinking and driving, mixing drugs with alcohol, etc. It KILLS ME to think of people, our friends, dying the same way he or Dinga did. It like saying, "Fuck you, I didn't learn anything from your mistakes." This past Sunday, I was reading the amazing postsecrets blog and this was one of the postcards sent in:
{{If you haven't heard of Postsecret, you need to check it out. It's kind of really life changing. They post new secrets every Sunday on their blog, and you can read through old secrets at the community here.}}

I completely understand having fun and taking risks in life, but not taking such extreme risks that aren't necessary. I don't hangout with almost any of the kids I used to hangout with because it hurts to see them partying all the time and living 'dangerously'. As cliche as it sounds, they think they are invincible, but I love all of these kids with my whole heart and don't want to lose any of them, whether I've talked to them in the past few months or not.

A few days before Ben died, he was at my house and we were talking about how he wants to slow down with the partying, he just didn't have many friends like me that wanted to just chill. It hurts, like really hurts, that he died so soon after admitting that and that there was nothing i could do to stop it. I know there are many people in his group of friends that feel the same way, but like him, they don't want to admit it to each other. It's so easy to get caught up in the whole, "Ya, lets do 4 shots of tequila and then shotgun this beer!"

I may sound like a 50 year old Mormon, but I just don't like being surrounded by constant partying. There is a time and place to go crazy, and that's not every weekend of my life!

Now I know some of my old friends are going to be pissed off and me for saying this, but WAKE THE FUCK UP. You are not invincible. You won't always be able to get away with driving drunk, or drinking until you black out, or taking all the pills until you don't feel anything. You have a life to live, and you OWE it to Ben and Dylan and everyone else that has passed away in you life to live that life. Truly live it. Please. Your family will thank you. You're friends will thank you. I will thank you.

I love you Dylan, my older brother I wish I had.
I'll never forget the crazy torture you put me through growing up.

And I love you Ben.
Always will.
No regrets, right man?


  1. Wow I'm crying :( that was good. . . Its hard

  2. Steff, Thanks for being brave to say this to your friends. Keep saying it, no matter how hard it gets.

  3. Ya, I cried as I wrote it. =[

    And yes Merry, I definitely will =]

  4. Ya, I cried as I wrote it. =[

    And yes Merry, I definitely will =]